Thursday, September 17, 2015

What the mirror didn't reflect

Even now
There are moments
When I hate the person
Looking back at me.

How is it possible
To hate my own reflection so much
To feel so dirty
So ugly
So not-good-enough
At the mere glimpse of me?

I hate things I see
That I cannot change
Glimmers of the past
Fears from yesteryears
I thought I had left behind

I see patterns
I thought I had unlearned

This irks me
Gets under my skin
Like his old hands
Where they shouldn't be

I stare at that child in the mirror
Craving for one day of normalcy
In a past drowning in its own dysfunction
I tell her to snap out of it
But she won't

The little girl in me...
Cries out
At the unfairness of it all

The teenager in me...
Bites her tongue
To not scream
Every last breath in her lungs

The young adult in me...
Recoils and then aches to fight back
She wants to tell him to shut up
To grow up
To uphold the same unattainable standards
He bullied me into living by
To stop sulking
She wants to grab every single enabler around him
Shake them,
Plead -
Stop babying him!
She wants to call him out on his
Passive aggressive threatening abusive control-gaining tactics

And me...
I look at myself
That woman in the mirror
I see all of that which is him in me
And
I see all that my mirror won't reflect

I see my own two feet
That have carried me
Away from a monster
I see my own shoulders
Holding my own choice-making head up high
I see my smile
Heavy with pride
Of knowing when to shut up
And when to speak up
I see the strength of women in my life
Who teach me each day to look into the mirror
And look past
Into a future with a mirror
That I can look into
See all of me
And
Not shudder at
What can be seen
And all it won't reflect



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