A cheesy day
Filled with understanding
As we get ready to say goodbye
When you are united
with little parts of your heart
you think you've left in various places
you've lived in,
and you think your heart couldn't possibly
be more full,
or grow any bigger,
or have more room in it,
It surprises you.
Grateful for a moment to breathe
to catch my moment
before it escapes my helpless hold
Grateful for freedoms
that let me be
torment-laden or not
as I please
Grateful for this, that, and Tomorrow
as I watch you grow
Grateful for what is
And whatever may come to be
for the graves we stand on
in order to celebrate
When old hearts meet
colliding in new homes
tailoring memories that are ours...
This heart and all my cups,
Full of love,
That my life is interconnected.
Intersections that weave,
through pasts and
futures we can only dream of.
Creating tomorrow through...
When we were talking today about all the reasons went you told me you loved me when and how you did, we could've talked for ages. We could've discussed nuances. We could've debated specifics
But I want you to know, overlooking all of that, I am so glad you told me.
I love you,
Putting democracy to sleep
I learned is difficult
You have to stare it in the eye
And see every demon
Through your skin
When you wake up-
The sun will still rise
Though curtains of fear
You'll still park your car where you did today, and yesterday
Though you will have many tears to dry
From your sometimes silent
Sometimes loud crying
When no one was watching
And yet everyone saw
As humanity wept
As hearts broke
As marriages and bonds were declared illegal and unholy
As parents were walled away from their children
As people were persecuted based on the color of their skin or the body they were born into
Life will go on.
For some though
It slowly died tonight
Today will be yet another day
tell me how to feel
Not entirely sure if I should
the lies they hide under obvious
A mere visitor
a tourist through the attraction of my
maybe Tomorrow will be another?
My dear Dan,
I often think of days like today. Days on which you showed up, were beyond present, and held down the fort with your anchoring. You are my gift. The best gift a human being could receive. You are my love.
I love you, and I love the gift of you,
I hope your days brim with promises of firsts and the wisdom of been-theres.
I dream of mountains that will build you up and will fight for rivers to quench your goals.
I distress over extinct moments that have left no room for change.
I know a lot is not right now. And tomorrow, however wrong it may be, ought to be here already.
There's a struggle, I know you will see, one I hope you will not live. A struggle that upheaves into calloused hands and falls weary into broken arms.
There's much to wish for you. There's much to hope for the world that will be yours someday.
For now, I hope my first will be for a better you.
For me to dread
But not as fast
As I'd like it to
These days my mind gushes with memories of tomorrow
And hopes of yesterday
I long for this to be over
Yet to savor every second
Knowing there is a specialness
To all the pain
The last ginger squash bottle
Was put on hold for me
Though just a simple sugar concentrate
Of ginger and lemon extracts,
And capsicum color it may be
It signifies much -
A momentary craving
Leading to extensive research
The last ginger squash bottle
Privilege wrapped on a moment's notice
Being with family who
Support, love, and care
Stability to afford a craving
The luxury of time and ability for
The last ginger squash bottle
Today was a day of freedom. Of luxury and of gratitude for the privilege of knowing I can be me. I hope you too will get to experience that someday, every day. Later today evening, we watched the presidential debate and I kept thinking who would set the tone for this country when you and your peers will be here? I sure hope us voters don't let you down.
One day we'll go to some of these places that we can tell you some of these stories, to remind you that we, too, have a lot of growing up to do, a lot of obstacles to cross, and a lot of personal goals to triumph. Even if the goal is to ride on a roller-coaster.
My new friend shared yesterday
Advice from a wise
Bag of tea
I will be stronger
I will say, "No, thank you"
A bit louder
I will worry less
And trust myself more
I will stand up when needed
And trust my voice
That I know.
I will have learned more
And will be standing taller
From this fall
We're here together
And it's gotten better
With time, age, and unmet expectations
That have collided
Creating something new,
Something worth caring for
Something worth preserving
So as we cast shadows
On the breezy sidewalk
We etch our memories
With all we are
We're here together
There's a certain magic
That comes with young ones
As their smiles sparkle
And their toes twinkle
Fairy dust becomes unnecessary
With their quiet laughter
Shining through their eyes
The world is whole
And fragmented all at once
But in their treasured little hands
Rests our tomorrow
I know you thought I would turn back after getting into the water and shrieking how cold the water was. I also know that you thought I would become easily tired of negotiating with the waves. But when you least expect it...
...I can still surprise you!
I love you,
When you try to speak to me in Hindi, it really makes me very happy! I feel seen and a big part of my identity feels valued. I know how much effort you put in and how much hard work you have put in all these years. Thank you. I will always be in awe of how you dedicate yourself to learning something and I will work hard to support you in preserving in this.
There she is
standing on her head
Every deep breath counts
she reminds herself
Feet reach for the stars
head remains grounded
Her heart is the one that soars
high across a sky she still doesn't know
That introduction will happen some day
for now though, she inhales moon rays
The ground receives her
without judgement, without fury
She lets herself fall to the earth
with grace, with acceptance
There she is.
Do you see her?
The earth invites her, envelopes her
while she exhales all that holds her back
A little bit of blue
In me, I found is true
But blue is not what I feel
As I play today's reel
Showing me glimpses of me
That I liked to see
Blue in how I react to censure
Or work under pressure
It was clear to all
That I can fall
But to rise is strength
And it's what I meant
When I wrote initially
That there's a bit of blue in me
on sweltering summer nights
of summer days that rose
in uncertain silences
as we awkwardly refamiliarized ourselves
with what we'd known for years
Those same summer days set
under mosquito nets and
gratitude for a nighttime breeze
on those cool summer nights
Dancing and enacting songs
feeling brave crossing busy streets
to see Nani-Daddy
the link that tied us
with shared roots
beneath the earth that raised us
Eating ber, creamy fudge, fafda, aam ras
Making memories from food
And around food
Dressing up for garba
Dressing up for plays
Sharing moments, stories,
and more laughter than I can capture in words
My first best friend
My co-dreamer, co-conspirator,
How time has lifted us to different parts
Of this world,
Of our lives
How time had changed us
Brought more people to love and call family
And time has watched us grow
And has walked with us
To doorways and paths
Of life transforming us
As we unwittingly tinker with it
As a young child,
Temper had a specific meaning
One that I didn't appreciate
And was frightened of
I grew older
And in the kitchen
Cooking dal and sabji
Shed a different light on
Now as I reel from
Broken promises I made to myself
And broke myself
I'm tempering my eagerness
And like my childhood
I don't know of I like it too much
But like in my cooking
It might add value to my days.
Before you learn to trust any one else, you'll find it much more loving to earn your own trust first. Sometimes I wish I had known that a long time ago. But here I am, still learning it every single day.
Maybe you'll learn that earlier?
Today began a new day, a new era for someone I love. And it is the end of one for me.
This past year has been a big gift I gave myself. A gift of time. And most of all a gift of hope, possibility, and potential. That things could change. That I could change.
A year ago, Dan and I were in England celebrating summer, each other, and our possibilities. Today, we are settling in our home in San Diego and I'm at the threshold of a new phase of my life. A year ago, I couldn't have possibly imagined this past year.
It makes me wonder about what you will be like, Tomorrow.
Today, we unpacked some more, ran errands, stayed positive, and our home has begun to look more like our home. After a full day's work, we headed out to enjoy Balboa Park, the food truck festival, and a beautiful night out. We watched the sunset and hundreds of people going silly over Pokemon Go. And then we bought beers and enjoyed them in our new home. But before all of that, we decided to try something new. We had some cannoli stuffed with cookies and cream ice cream. At first, I was skeptical. But Dan's confidence helped me and we gave it a try. You will learn that I'm adventurous about many things, but food is often not on that list. It was worth it. It was the perfect cannoli and pre-dinner dessert.
Sometimes it pays to try new things. I hope you always have the courage to try your ice cream cannoli.
There are some days that you will look back at and laugh. When they are happening though, you will not feel that way.
Like today, when Dan and I opened our box of masalas, with a supreme sense of excitement at the prospect of making dal-chawal to treat ourselves after a long day of settling in, only to find nasty bugs devouring our masalas, all our other spices, and most of our food. The grumpy packer must've been really grumpy to have misled us with information about packing our food. We had to throw away all our food, clean out our kitchen as we were unpacking, and spend our evening giving each other pep talks about taking on the bugs.
One day, we'll laugh at this story. Today, is not that day.
The best part about it - we were on the same team. And Dan did make me laugh, just not about bugs ; )
(Dan - timesheet, sign, neat)
I hope we'll remember this day as one with our first home cooked meal (colorful rigatoni, vodka sauce, cheesy focassia, and fake fish filets), our first time working alongside at the kitchen counter, first time in downtown SD eating vegan Mexican food, first time looking for parking in old town, walking hand in hand sharing dreams, and enjoying the indelible pleasure of feeling like we chose well.
Here's to many more firsts. Yours,
When I stand in the sand,
My toes play games with each grain,
Every grain digs into me
Piercing my skin
Pushing every known cell
To grow into this new feeling.
I kick my feet around
Drown them in luscious waves
To free myself of the ground I stand on
This new home that wants to root me
The waves rush away from me
Pulling back with the strength of a trillion rubber bands stretching back waiting for their full elasticity to be tested
Before they come crashing back to me
The receding water
Draws in all the little grains of sand around my feet
I feel the 2 feet squared ground hugging my feet
Escaping, collapsing, being swallowed from under me
Only until I don't learn my new home.
Here we are...20 hours of driving through mountains, plateaus, plains, and deserts. We're home! I'm so excited to start this journey with you by my side. Even as we sit here, in our oversized bedroom, listening to the chirp of crickets, digesting frozen pizza, and feeling grateful for our air mattress here, I'm so glad to be here with you.
I love you,
Today, we said goodbye to my first home in this country. We began our adventures early enough and left little pieces of our hearts behind at mom and dad's. I can't stomach goodbyes, which was again proven true by the dull stomach ache I had our whole trip today. Our route out of Colorado took us through a little journey back in time through all our favorite spots and all the places we lived in. Traffic cooperated and before we knew it, we were driving gingerly alongside a lost sheep in Glenwood Springs. We never did make it to Hanging Lake and I loved how we both said, "Next time..." as we drove by the exit for it. Thanks for helping me eat my lunch as we zipped through and past the western slopes, past Grand Junction, and then suddenly and sadly crossing the oddly fonted "Leaving Colorful Colorado" sign into "Entering Utah". Bland turned to dry untouched bland, and then into parched dry untouched bland. We then entered Canyonlands and the landscape shifted to my favorite historically fantastical rocks that make me feel like I'm walking with dinosaurs and that someone let gigantic gooey drops of chocolate chip cookie dough drip from a spoon onto a baking tray. Writing about baking trays reminds me - thank goodness for air conditioned cars! The 100+ degrees Fahrenheit temperatures outside became more bearable as we trailblazed at 90 mph (Yay Utah!)
My favorite parts about today that made the heartbreak of leaving family, friends, and places behind bearable were:
■ Taking wondrous memories
■ Our 50th Mile Memories
■ Our 100th Mile Dance Parties
St. George is hot (102 degrees Fahrenheit at 10pm and feels like hell), but there's no one else I'd rather be driving through southern Utah with, and no one else I'd be saying goodbye to our first home with, no one else I'd be excited to start our new chapter with...than you.
With all my heart,
Today begins the last of lasts
Of my first of firsts
My first home away from home
My first snowman welcoming me home
My first time driving
My first friends
My first family in a distant home
My first of many firsts
Is coming to a slow end
As I end my last day
And yet through tears,
I found a smile
Magic is funny that way
It's in the deepest of hearts
And the silliest of places
If you look deeply
You might miss it
Especially when it's been sitting
Under your nose for ages
Sometimes it's in a surprise phone call
Sometimes it's in a hug you've waited for
Sometimes it's the way the moon rises
And sometimes it's in a bite of your favorite pie
Look for it when you least expect to find it
Look out for it when you're not looking for it
You are magic
So don't look too far
Sometimes I worry about this world you will come into. A world that feels so tipsy turvy sometimes. A world that feels stuck on a vault and unable to step down. A world where gravity stops working and hearts forever stay heavy.
Then I tell myself... comfort myself into finding a little sliver of joy. And holding on to it tightly.
I hope I can give you more than a little sliver in this upside down world.
Sometimes when you walk on life's paths, you will want to keep your eyes on the ground. You may want to watch every step, keeping one eye on one foot, and the other on the other. You may want to carefully take in each obstacle, each rock you have to climb, each stream you have to cross, and each bench you have to sit on, in your stride. And sometimes, just sometimes, you may just want to look up. Don't forget that. You might be surprised by what you find.
There will be a lot of times, circumstances, events, and people who will come in the way of you trusting yourself. Remember, they're not you. They don't get to be you or live your choices. You get to hold your shoulders high or lower your gaze for. You are the one who will decide when to step in, step back, step up, and step down. You are entirely capable. Trust yourself.
As we said goodbye today to a city we called home for two years and dear friends and adopted grandparents, I let the streets we drove on bring back lots of memories. I remembered my first time driving, my first walk with Dan in the snow, my first shrimp salad, my first bank account, my first grocery shopping experience with my own money, leaving notes for Dad on his car, long bike rides, meals with family and friends, heartbreaks, trials, goodbyes. I thought of how a walrus makes me smile and felt at home with every color of the rainbow.
I hope you find your homes in loving places like this one.
Today I spent a while purging. There's a certain degree of trepidation involved before the actual act. I think of questions like, "What if I'll miss this later?" And, "Will I need this in the future?" I wonder about the sentimentality of objects, things, items. Each one is accompanied by a memory. I think fondly back to some, and some feel vacant and confusing. I get rid of them immediately. After the trepidation passes, I welcome gratitude. I send a good wish out to all the good times linked with that object. I giggle giddy at some, and at others I wince with sadness. Finally, I let go. I put it away and don't think about it. I take in the empty spaces left in their wake and rejoice with openness new beginnings.
And this way, I was able to purge my wardrobe to half its size today.
Sometimes in life, it's okay to purge. Even beyond your clothes.
When you find good people
Hold on to them
Not necessarily like a fish to water
Like a hand comforting another
It's these hands that hold you
When your foundation feels shaky
And the same hands
That contort questioningly into asks
That push you to grow
It's these hands that are ready to give you high fives, pats, and gentle rubs
Letting you know that tomorrow will come
And, with or without you,
It will trudge forward
It's the same hand that will caress your hair back behind your ears
And the same that will hold you back when you're going too far
The hand that'll feed you
And the hand that'll hold itself open hungry for your love
Be kind to yourself
Be kinder to good people
Hold onto them
Today, Dan and I wandered a lot. We wandered through trails and allies that seemed familiar, and those that were new to us. As we wandered, I realized a few things I wanted to share with you:
∆ Wandering is more fun when you're with someone you could get lost with
∆ When wandering, allow yourself to get lost
∆ Realize when you want to be found
∆ Be open to finding bits of yourself in corners, under awnings, and through doorways
∆ Tread carefully and openly
∆ Leave little or no footprints
∆ Acknowledge your fellow wanderers with a smile
∆ Honor your meandering journey - it's unique
∆ Pave your own path, and wander on it
∆ Explore nooks, you never know what you might find there
∆ Remember - not all who are lost wander, but when you do wander, you might just find yourself
Today was one of many goodbyes that I have begun to say to this city, this state, people here, memories I've made. I know there's a lot to look forward to - new home, new people, new city, new state, new memories to be made. But today, I watched the sun set over a quiet Denver, snuggled between two hills, watching a movie under the stars and lightening in a distance - and I got to do it all with the person I love and for whom I would do all of this again, willingly, gladly.