Saturday, April 30, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Small Victories

Dear Tomorrow,

Some days every little victory counts

Even if it means lying down flat
And taking a full breath
Without lungs protesting

Even if it means being able to share a bed
After weeks of distance
And not collapsing in a cloud of coughs

Every little victory counts
Don't forget to count each of them
Even the smallest ones.

Lovingly,
Suparna

424

Friday, April 29, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ En Passant

Dear Tomorrow,

Life sometimes can be unpredictable. If it were as predictable as plays in chess (which Dan taught me how to play today), it would be so simple to protect the kingly sentiments in our lives and power through in a queen-like manner in any direction we please! But it is not so. And that can be difficult, or it can be en passant.

Lovingly,
Suparna

423

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.

Dear Tomorrow,

I'm sitting here listening to one of my favorite sounds. Each one of his gentle inhales has purpose. They come with intention and are long, as though taking in all that is there around him. It's dark, but I can see his chest rising meticulously, on time, to aid his lungs in every intake. His exhales, though short, are filled with relief. I can picture him with his eyes closed, his head tilted slightly to the left, leaning on his shoulder just a bit, his lips pursed in a quiet smile. I close my eyes, listen to every breath, and without realizing it, match my breath to his. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. I wish I could capture this moment, this breath, this rising and falling of his chest forever. I have stayed up all night many nights hearing a different breath from him. A labored, heavy breath struggling to find itself between wheezes and worries. I wish those nights never come back. I have fallen asleep with my head against that chest - rising to its fullest capacity and breathing me in with every exhale. I can't wait for another one of those nights. Lungs don't always work the way we hope. When they do, I can't help but rejoice. I can't help but listen with joy to every full breath that he is taking tonight. 

I hope you never have to feel a shortness of hope, courage, or breath. Ever.

Lovingly,
-Suparna

422

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Let People In

Dear Tomorrow,

Today, not for the first time, I realized how much I have grown because of Dan in my life. We are different in many ways, and I like that we can be our own people and know how to breathe, grow, and live in our own skins. But we also share this cocoon, this den, this turtle shell in which we learn to ask for things we need and we experience the joy of doing something for one another. It takes courage to live in your own skin and it takes courage to let someone in. Whether it's your shell, den, cocoon, two bedroom apartment, closet, cozy bed, or life - it's hard to let someone in. But it's so worth it, if they're willing to share a space with you.

Today, I spent time with two wonderful humans. As I did, I noticed how many of my empathetic behaviors have been influenced by Dan. Whenever things take an alarming turn, Dan will always put people first. He'll always ask you first if you're okay before outwardly noticing the glass that just broke from out of your hands, and its contents now staining everything. He always says, like his mom does, "Things can be fixed. People always can't."

I have learned so many special things from Dan, and I feel like a better, stronger, more whole person having let Dan into my life, and being a part of his.

Can't wait to let you into ours.

Lovingly,
Suparna

421

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Expectations

Dear Tomorrow,

Today was a day filled with upheld, surprising, and confusing expectations. Mummy always told me to not have expectations, that way I wouldn't be disappointed. But what's a life lived if not with some hope, some expectation?

What will you expect of life? And will your expectations be met?

Lovingly,
Suparna

420

Monday, April 25, 2016

A year is just 365 days

A year is just 365 days
365 days seem endlessly far
unreachable
impossible
on day one

A year is just 365 days
days filled without
any concept of phases
or logic
to understand day one

A year is just 365 days
acceptance is a lofty far away
when eyes can't
understand
what they see on day one

A year is just 365 days
of stories, tweets,
status updates
belying the shock
of those who lived day one

A year is just 365 days
of changed lives
broken families
tragedies
that never made it to day two

A year is just 365 days
of rebuilding
painstakingly
as development agencies
broker how to fix shattered hearts

A year is just 365 days
each day
of slowly picking up pieces
to look for enough parts
to build a new tomorrow

A year is just 365 days
of living from tent
to camp
to standing on shaky ground
a tectonic band waiting to snap

A year is just 365 days
365 nights
of lying awake
tormenting over tremors
birthed from a shaky imagination

A year is just 365 days
it means nothing
if you couldn't see the sun rise
on the day after
the world began counting


419

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ You Are Unknown

Dear Tomorrow,

Today, not for the first time
And I know not for the last
Occurred to me plain and simple
A rule hard and fast

So many before us have said it
Hopefully those after us
Will have the wisdom to know
And the humility to admit

We can say all we wish
With our big mouths
And even bigger heads
Life makes the best of us skittish

Tomorrow, as much as we mourn,
Imagine, and wonder about you
The truth, as it's always been,
Is you are and will be unknown

Still love you,
Suparna

418

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ HCF

Dear Tomorrow,

Food. It's the door to cultures. It's the key to hearts. It unlocks. It connects. It....yadda yadda.

You get it.

Food brings with it a lot of analogies of opening, bridging, creating, and building. I really do think food, in moderation, is a beautiful thing. I love it. I love to watch it, think about it, create it, be grateful for it, but most of all, I love to eat it.

Today I ate one of my most favorite things - hot chocolate fudge. Homemade! The original inspiration was a little shack called Corner House in Bangalore, but in its absence, Dan and I make a pretty good homemade version. Lactose-free vanilla ice cream, dark dark chocolate sauce, and roasted peanuts! Mummy's version is my first favorite, and then ours!

I hope you enjoy food and eating it as much as we do. I hope you see food in its whole form - nourishment and what our bodies need to grow, metabolize, and survive - not as your enemy that you must restrict yourself from. Try different things. Take risks. Be conscientious, sustainable, and kind to the world that brings you your food. Cook, for yourself and others. Experiment. Change ingredients, quantities. Set things on fire. Learn to use a blow torch to caramelize, appreciate the sound of pea pods popping, dig your hands deep in a bag of rice, feel warm butter melting against the roof of your mouth, let watermelon juice drip down your cheeks, let garlic fly around with heat, slurp on the slurpiest noodles, use salt to make your vegetables sweat, use your hands while cooking, clean them thoroughly first, fight with corn hair stuck between your teeth, play with raspberry chunks on your tongue, lick the batter bowl dry, watch something transform in the oven, note how cloves swell in oil, cry your eyes out to the lament of an onion. After all of it, sit and enjoy a yummy bowl of HCF.

Lovingly,
Suparna

417

Friday, April 22, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ On a day like today

Dear Tomorrow,

The sun shone over the brave yellow dandelions and all day I heard little children playing outside, bicycles curving along the sidewalk outside our bedroom window, and the smell of spring hanging low and moist in the air. I spent the day lying in bed, coughing, and going through many handkerchiefs. It was not how I would've chosen to spend it, but then life doesn't always give us choices we want. Still, even on a day like today, there's so much to be grateful for. So much that's right. And so much to live in the moment, not just for.

I hope your everyday is filled with moments to bring gratitude and love to you.

Lovingly,
Suparna

416

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Hang in There

Dear Tomorrow,

There'll be days like today in your tomorrow, filled with crudiness. I wish I could protect you from all of those days. I'll try my best, and know I won't always succeed. I'm sorry for that. Still, I'll try my hardest.

Hang in there. This too shall pass.

Lovingly,
Suparna

415

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Wabi Sabi

Dear Tomorrow,

Today I woke up feeling unwell and progressively got worse through the day. It's hard to retain your positivity during times like that, but it's all the more important. Then in the evening when Dan got home, he got something for me in the mail that was just what I needed to bring a smile. There are going to be many amazing people you meet. When they come by, I hope you will see them for all they are, whole and beautiful, wondrous and kind. Today I found a smile in a beautiful creation by a wonderful child. Wabi Sabi is the name given to this artistic creation, and wabi sabi it is. Of Japanese origin, it means an acceptance of change and imperfection. Life is filled with imperfections, and I really believe that's what lends to its beauty and among other reasons, makes it worth living. Ironically, this artwork was done by someone who I think is perfect. She is brilliantly strong. She is loving. She will light the whole world up with her smiles and will sing Itsy Bitsy Spider with her eyes lit up with excitement and make you feel like nothing else matters in the moment. Nothing but embracing, accepting, and loving the beauty of every imperfection in our world.

I hope you will find friends and loved ones who remind you of wabi sabi. Friends like her.

Lovingly,
Suparna

414

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Pick Your Battles

Dear Tomorrow,

There are so many people fighting wars they don't believe in. There are so many people at war with themselves. Some fight for things that will never change. Some fight for battles they can't win. Some fight knowing they will never win. Over the years I have fought many battles. Some that left me defeated. Others that had nothing to do with me. And some I still fight knowing that they might change a part of the world. I'm learning each day that not all battles can be picked. Some battles enter your battlefield without your choice or knowledge. And not all battles are non-trivial. I urge you sometimes in life to take on smaller battles as well as the big ones that'll shape. Today, I fought the shredder. And I won. I jammed it first by shoving a way-too-thick bunch of papers through the disproportionately narrow entryway for those papers to get eaten by hungry blades. So I picked a battle I certainly didn't intend to fight today. In my rush to get lots shredded, I overestimated the capacity of my machine. As soon as I set the papers to be chewed on, I silently noted my error. And let out a prolonged curse, not so silently.  From my shredder emanated a low whir. I could hear the machine lament, "Now why did you do that, human?" I didn't have a suitable answer, but I was unwilling to retreat in this now growing battle I had picked. So I shoved on. I angrily moved the buttons back and forth watching (and listening to) the machine anxiously sputter shreds and retry its job. Didn't work. So I had to pull out my tools and unscrew screws and plier paper out. There were definite moments when I thought I would lose this battle. These moments were interspersed with other more lucid moments when I questioned why I was picking battles with paper shredders. I'm not very competitive, but I wasn't going to let this thing win.

And win it didn't.

Pick your battles. Not everything has to be fought. But when you choose to fight it, I wish you the right tools, grit, persistence, and trust in yourself. Even when you hear threatening noises indicating a serious breakdown of machinery.

Lovingly,
Suparna

413

Monday, April 18, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Write, read, play with, sing, dance to, cry with, and breathe poetry

Dear Tomorrow,

Today, I read a poem written by one of my favorite poets. I have many favorite poets by virtue of having taught many children who wrote poems. Today I read one using personification. It was about a gentle breeze waking up as the sky fell asleep. I remember the first time I fell in love with a poem  - it wasn't the first time I fell in love with words. But words in that lyrical order unveiling stories only the poet hears, and making sounds dance - I loved it all and fell voraciously in love with poetry. I remember wanting to snuggle up with words in my favorite poems. I wanted to breathe them in, rest my weary head on their sturdy shoulders. I wanted to let their fingers sneak between mine with their twists and rhymes. I wanted to be sweet-talked, told-off, buttered-up, let-down, soft-soaped, heart-broken, tucked-in, and lifted-up by poems. I could spend hours rereading the subtleties of words, wondering which nuance I had missed or if I had skipped any lines to read between. I would replay lines, write them down, tattoo them in my mind - enjoying the pain and the love with which I was holding onto them. I love listening to, writing, reading, and exploring the whimsical edges of a poem with others. I loved writing and reading poems with my students and reading my kids' poems.

I will read a lot of poems to you
I hope you will read me some too.

I hope we can write poems together -
building worlds with words hitherto unseen,

revisiting a sunrise like the similarity of a simile,

finding frivolous alliterations aloof and adrift,

personifying poems as people lost in the woods of words,

finding the time to search for a rhyme.

Appropriately Challenging Rarely Overturned Stories To Invoke Creativity,

solderers of words find anagrams orderless.

I sure hope you do too,
whether you employ dimeter lines or walk on two feet.

You could sweat blood when you learn that
love is as blind as a doggerel.

Or you may just find
a haiku hidden behind
lots of poetry

Whether it's a hymn, ode, or an elegy,
I do outrageously love myself a clever hyperbole.
Like the lovely limerick lady,
I hope you will enjoy poetry with me.

Lovingly,
Suparna


412

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Survive

Dear Tomorrow,

There are days if you're not sure you'll make it through the sunless sinking depths of snow falling, as though there is an endless unseen reserve of moisture that these flakes fall relentlessly from. There are days when you're wondering if you'll see the sun come out to melt away the anguish of layers of exhaustion. There are days you'll worry if you will breathe again without the wheezing torment of cold toes burning through your confidence to make it.

And then there are days you'll survive.

Many of them.

Lovingly,
Suparna

411

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Use all your senses

Dear Tomorrow,

The progression of snow today - hour-by-hour from 7am - 2pm
The sound of rain falling methodically on my roof
for no cogent reason
brings wafts of cardamom to my nose.

There are no cardamom pods being cajoled open
by the rhythmic pounding of my stone pestle
grinding cardamom fumes my way.

Yet, I smell languorous cardamom soaked in milk
sweet and warming my insides
without a tongue ever touching them.

I taste sweet mangoes
oozing their sunny gorgeous yellow
fleshy smooth pulp.

They stay momentarily in my mouth
while thick wiry fibers make themselves at home
in the most unwelcome places in my mouth.

They leave their entrails behind
coaxing me to stick my fingers with determination
to free them from the prison of my teeth.

No cardamom, no mangoes
just the persistent patter of drops
pouring down mango and cardamom flavored nostalgia.

Lovingly,
-Suparna

P.S. - Take the time to experience the rain, snow, whatever the weather (or what's happening around you) with all your senses. You never know when you crave cardamom or mangoes ; )

410

Friday, April 15, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Keep Your PJs On

Dear Tomorrow,

Today, in anticipation of the big "moisture" storm we were supposed to have, I was armed with lots of hot tea, hot cocoa, hot yummy food, an enthralling book, lots of cliff-hanging episodes of X-Files, the comforting smell of most earth, tons of cuddles, a walk in the rain, and a day of pajamas. When you come into our world, please feel free to wear pajamas if there's no where to go. Less laundry to do, and a more cozy bottom.

Life's too short. Keep those pjs on.

Lovingly,
Suparna

409

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Everything Changes

Dear Tomorrow,

My slow goodbyes to Colorado have begun.

Mentally and emotionally, Dan and I differ on how we face transitions. I know we both feel sadness around leaving our home of over 5 years and our first home together. I know we both feel excitement and trepidation holding our new journey tightly. And I know we express our feelings differently. I know our life circumstances are about to change with our move to a new place, and for my well-being, I need to start my goodbye process now.

Today I began saying goodbye to the beautiful yet, what feels like an ephemeral spring. I smelled lots of flowers and let myself bathe in the shelter of trees that took me back to my childhood (and one day will take me back to our home in Boulder). I watched the sky for a long time, with the mountains, everlasting, the opposite of ephemeral, standing proudly, watching me watch the sky that betrayed no hints of what was about to happen in 12 hours. I hope you'll find with kindness, that nothing is permanent in life and that everything does change. Especially the weather.

Lovingly,
Suparna

408

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Wherever you go, there you are

Dear Tomorrow,

Today I got to see one of my close friends. Being near people who inspire me and who are kind and loving really brings a delightful calm to me. I feel very lucky to have people like that in my life. As we talked, I thought about how much I missed spending time with her and seeing her on a more frequent basis. I also thought of our impending move to another city and remembered how hard it is to find and sustain loving friendships. I felt...feel...so grateful for friends like her in my life. I decided to let my brain come back to that moment in time and soak in the hereness of it all. I reminded myself that I was there, here, and that's where I was. Things will change, life will change, and nothing is permanent. But while here is now, I'm so glad she's a part of my life and I get to be her friend, learn from her, care for her, and look up to her.

I hope you find friends who care for you, always. And I hope that wherever you go, there you are.

Lovingly,
Suparna

407

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Make Each Moment Count

Dear Tomorrow,

Life is filled with lots of moments. For some, more than for others. I hope you always have the fortitude to make each moment count. Even if it's one moment in the middle of a busy day, make it count. Even if it's a couple moments letting a hug linger, make it all count. At the end of it - moments are all we're left with. Make each count.

Lovingly,
Suparna

406

Monday, April 11, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Listen to your body

Dear Tomorrow,

Our bodies are and will always be wiser than we give them credit for. You don't need to be an embodied cognition expert to know that. Sometimes, my body is telling me to get up and get moving before my mind is fully awake. Often it is my body that tells me to slow down, before my brain has had a moment to realize how frazzled I am. This weekend I got to change the pace of my body and listen to stories of, for, by, because of, and thanks to yonis. One after the the other, I listened to and watched with awe tales told by women of our yonis - giving voices to lips that don't always make sounds that the world understands. It's really an energy-filled experience to be in the presence of such phenomenal women, cis and trans, allies, and change-makers. There will be numerous times in your life, where the world will deafen you with booming messages telling you to listen to the seductive sounds of unattainable bodies. Be skinny. Hate your legs. Shun your body hair. Hurt your self.

Don't listen to a single one of them.

The only voice I hope you will learn to listen to and love is your body's. Your body will tell you stories etched under every follicle and behind every wrinkle; stories of lines shading the boundaries of your eyes that laugh with your mouth - deep and without care; stories of healing scars on your hands reminding you of the battle you won against your own fears and compulsions; stories of shiny stretch marks caressing your legs and waist, bearing proof that you have life to be proud of. If you listen closely, each stretch mark whispers sweet secrets of a body that has braved change, and lived to love itself.

Our bodies are always telling us these stories - shadowing caution in the purple of a bruise, or begging to be held tight and cozy in the shudder of a shiver - our bodies are talking to us.

I hope you'll listen to yours.

Lovingly,
Suparna

405

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Generous

Dear Tomorrow,

When you find yourself at an airport waiting for a very delayed flight, you're not feeling your most relaxed self. I felt anxious, irritated, and very annoyed at the weather, the delayed plane, the people farting next to me. In these situations, I try to stop what I'm doing, take a few mindful breaths, bring my awareness to my breathing, name my feelings, and activate my parasympathetic nervous system. It didn't work at all this time. I did have the rising sensation that someone had thrown up in the very spot I was occupying, which only exacerbated my surly response to the situation of a possible 2 am arrival of what was supposed to be an 1155 pm one - on a week night. The pain in my back from poor ergonomics and neglecting my physical therapy for the last few days was catching up and I couldn't make up my mind between standing up or sitting down.

My mind was made up about one thing...
I was not happy.

Dan's hand found mine during one of my intermittent sitting down moments and he smiled slowly into my eyes. It wasn't a "I'm blissfully ignorant about how anxious you are, life is lalalalalalala" smile. Without saying a word, his nerves reached out to signal mine - "I'm frustrated too, but we've got each other, and it'll be okay".

I wish I could say it wasn't as clichéd as all at once I felt different. But that's the truth - cliché or not. I felt his hand let me know I was safe. I felt his mouth arch to know I was loved. And I felt full with his generosity.

Dan took time this weekend to take risks, be spontaneous, and most courageously, to be generous with his time and love.

This kind of generosity is hard to come by. With Dan, everyday feels like not falling, but dancing, standing up tall, and being present in love with him.

I hope you experience that level of generosity in your life, and share it with others around you.

Lovingly,
Suparna

404

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Feel Every Drop

Dear Tomorrow,

Running at sea level is a whole different experience that leads to much happier lungs than those working their alveoli off in Colorado! It may not have been the wisest choice to head out for a run in the seemingly quiet rain. And after about 30 minutes of being outside with a steady and still silent cloud pour, I regretted not being endowed with duck feathers. Funnily, the drenched clothes on my skin felt rather refreshing even though I braced myself for the cold that never came. I ran, thinking about memories from the Bay, my wonderful family and friends, the phenomenal women I was about to see perform later in the evening, the thump-thump of my feet on the glistening pavement, and it felt good. It felt really good to feel every drop.

Lovingly,
Suparna

403

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Fly Away

Dear Tomorrow,

Sometimes it's okay to take a break and fly off to a far far place. Today, Dan and I did just that and it's been filled with special moments and the chance to create new memories. We can't wait for you to come into our world. I'm confident you'll help us fly away to distant lands, without leaving our home.

Lovingly,
Suparna
402


Thursday, April 7, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Be Silly

Dear Tomorrow,

When life gets a bad bout of serious
Take a clock hand or two
To fuel the intrigue of the curious
Side scuttling somewhere inside of you

When life becomes a deep shade of odd
So confusingly monotonously tiring
Don't just give a surly push and prod
That's not entirely inspiring

When life gets a steep angle of up
Ominously steeper than a gentle hilly
Get on your imaginary horse to gallop
And always, always be a little silly

Lovingly,

Suparna 

401

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Life Goes On

Dear Tomorrow,

Today, I saw a very bad accident on my way home. I thought a lot about the person or people on that upturned crushed truck and sent a lot of love out to the universe. When you're ready to, one day, we'll talk about death. I have my own thoughts about what happens to us when we die, which others may disagree with. You'll get to form your own opinion about it as you experience life, and sadly, also death in the world. Whatever your beliefs, I hope you make the best of every day of your life and make your time on this planet loving and caring. Like the inevitable sunset of every evening, life inevitably does and will go on. With or without us.

Lovingly,
Suparna


400

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Explore

Dear Tomorrow,

The world is such a big place,
much to see, much to learn,
always something new to know,
around the corner, at every turn.

Whether you're in the mountains,
or live by the ocean,
the world is wide and big enough,
so set out and have some fun.

You don't have to travel far,
to find your favorite places,
once you make the world your own,
you'll be surrounded by friendly faces.

Not all can travel every inch of this planet,
and that's perfectly alright,
it takes more than money and ability,
to get on a flight.

Find your courage,
let it guide and direct,
sometimes you may find your heart,
in the crevices you least expect.

Lovingly,
Suparna

399

Monday, April 4, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Real Men Really Cry

Dear Tomorrow,

Yesterday, I saw a five leaf or rose clover carefully preserved to remind us of its rarity. I have been thinking about the image of the clover and what it means to me. I read a little more about it and its genetic variation and why it is as rare as it is. It reminded me of something else that is rare and though real, hard to find...



Real men who aren't afraid to be real. Men, after all is said and done, are human. Somewhere between boyhood and mantown - that underlying humanity fades. It becomes less than human to something that is willing to hurt fellow humans. I've met men who have been fed messages of hypermasculinity that feed their fragile sense of self. I've known men who wear their hearts on their sleeve, but only when no one's watching. I've seen men who kill every bit of boy left in them to be a version of a man that is suffocating in oppression. I've forgiven men who have hurt me and justified beating the humanity out of them and me. I've loved men who have the strength to be who they want to be and have a sense of their humanity to not destroy someone else's. It takes a whole lot to create a world where people of all genders can be who they want to. Like this piece of writing, I think it's critical to teach boys and men to be emotionally true to themselves. Maybe, just maybe...

Little boys need to hear
no means no

she never asks for it

boys can be boys, girls, rainbows, unicorns, ninjas, ballerinas, boats, lampshades, giraffes,
but they cannot be disrespectful

you are beautiful 

you have the right to comfortable clothing

don't believe oppressive misogynist messages

don't forget how a hug feels

hug

cry, when you need to 

smile, when you want to 

carry a handkerchief - it's good for the earth and for your tears

carry a handkerchief - everyone gets a sniffly nose

unpack your male privilege

Just as little girls need to hear
he needs to know that no means no

you never ask for it

you can be anything you want, but you cannot be disrespectful

you are beautiful, and so much more

you have the right to comfortable clothing (that is not just pink)

it's not what you wear

don't believe oppressive misogynist messages 

you don't have to cry if you don't want to

carry a handkerchief - offer it to a boy when he's crying

leave your heart and story open for male allies



What little boys do not need to hear, say, see modeled...

Man up.
shove those tears down
deep into the hole in your heart
that will calcify and slowly die with 
your fragile masculinity 

Grow a pair.
grab your courage even when your heart breaks
even when your bones collapse under the weight
of every expectation you can't meet
of every message of hypermasculinity

Don't be a girl.
think with your head not your lips
use that mighty prefrontal cortex
set aside that urge to cry
to know when its time to unveil your made up masculinity

अपनी बन्दी को सम्भाल...take charge of your girl.
squeeze her till she can't tell between
I love you
and
I am going to control you
you're at stake
your masculinity trembles with a balance so fine
you better get her to shape up
before she steps out of line

Sissy.
never weaken, never flinch, never shudder
even when you lose everything
pick up a gun
shed those layers
till you find your inner monster
let your masculinity shine

Don't cry.
every tear you shed will wrinkle 
your crisp reputation
your new convertible you ride
your crib you use to invite
girls to your fantasy
where you have it all
you have no questions to answer
no responsibility at all

Show her who wears the pants.
be the boss
of her 
of you, your broken masculinity
show in showy ways that you have your prize
your trophy in a cracked glass shelf
leaving nothing behind but a trail of your 
hardened heart
and dying self

Tomorrow, whatever you are and choose to be - I hope you will find the courage and surround yourself with those who empower you to be who you want to be. Dan and I are constantly practicing, failing, stumbling, and working hard to be the best versions of ourselves. I wish the world were a transformed place that had no hint of oppression and people could just be. I can't promise the world will all be different when you arrive, but I can assure you that I will work hard each day to build a world with you where you can be really real. Whether you are and chose to be a man, woman, rainbow, unicorn, lampshade, giraffe, or an umbrella. Be you, be real. 

Lovingly,
-Suparna


398

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Keep Learning

Dear Tomorrow,

Today, I spent the day learning and trying new things. I sewed a felt pig-pooh with a friend. I learned how to crochet from the same friend. Friends come in all shapes, sizes, and with accompanied levels of wisdom. My friend whom I spent time with today has different life experiences. She is wise and her wisdom is a joy to be around. The way she cares about the world around her is rare. The way in which she immerses herself in a task is inspiring. She learns with enthusiasm and tries new things with excitement. It's a real joy learning from and with her. She reminded me today to keep learning. I hope you will always remember that and find those around you who remind you of that important life lesson. 



Lovingly,
-Suparna

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Saturday, April 2, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Here is Now

Dear Tomorrow,

Today was a nice relaxing day of just being. In a recent episode of X-Files, Mulder wished (from a jinnaya) for peace on earth. A lady after my own semantic and literal leanings, she granted him a very exact peaceful earth. I wondered as I watched, what my wish would be.

I think I've got more than I need. Good health for the people I love would be wonderful. That would be a wish I could wish for. Dan and I notice each day how little we really need and we have a purging experience we're excited to support this month.

Today, in talking about yesterdays with said Purger, it felt freeing to say out loud that today too will become a part of the waves of the past. As we sang, "Yeah" in regular intervals to Goo Goo Dolls, I was reminded about how here is really now. Right before it's gone.

Lovingly,
Suparna

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Friday, April 1, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Love Exists

Dear Tomorrow,

Yesterday I found something old written by someone in my past about me. There were warnings of how I would never find love and deserved pain. I thought about these words for a while, and took what would help me grow and shed the rest of the hatred and anger.

Love is everywhere. It's hard not to run into it, not to find it. Love comes in many forms - intimate, partner, passion, dreams, children, siblings, animals, memories, and more. Sometimes love is in a kiss shared in Kruger while petting a lion after 50 years of marriage. Sometimes love is in smiling stupidly while dancing to your favorite song. Sometimes love is sending you sister a text every morning telling her you love her. Sometimes it is in the first bite of a meal made with passion. And sometimes it is falling asleep listening to Dan softly breathing, and wondering just how lucky I got to have found his love.

Lovingly, with love that very much exists,
Suparna

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