Home is here
In this moment
Here and now
Filled with laughter
And the smell of warmth
Today, there were moments that I was so overwhelmed I wanted to cry out loud. I think some of it was just exhaustion and some the realization that things are not always clear, black/white, obvious. Things aren't always perfect.
And some of it was the realization that things don't have to be.
I hope you know that better than I do.
There will be days when you're going to need to slow down even when it feels like life is racing down a steep hair-raising hill on a single laned road with nothing between the edge of the road and the cliff so steep you can't tell what angle the hill is at. It's okay to feel completely overwhelmed and entirely frightened. The unknown can feel out of your control and terrifyingly uncomfortable. It's okay to walk away. It's okay to lean into your fear and sit (or fly) with your feelings. Whatever you decide, you'll do fine when you listen to your gut and honor your feelings.
Sometimes in life, you will surprise yourself. Be open to it - surprising yourself. If someone told me yesterday morning that I would be in a cabin in the mountains of California tonight, I would've laughed at them. But an open heart and a thoughtful mind can be kind to you. Let kindness in. Learn new things, take risks, remember who you are, don't be afraid to be yourself, and thrive.
"I'm so excited!"
I exclaimed, many times over.
But was I really able to convey,
Just how excited I am?
When you come closer
To a dream from a long time ago,
It's difficult to accept
And important to ask
"Is this really happening?"
There will be days in your life, when you will really be presented by the very fickle and extraordinarily surprising nature of life. On those days, I will tell you about this day and just how extraordinarily surprising and completely unpredictable it has been.
I wish you many days when you feel this excited about tomorrow.
You try and try and try
Even when it feels impossible
Even when every odd says,
You stand no chance
You grind your teeth
And grunt your way up
Till you find that squeak
And turn it into a roar
You tell yourself on repeat
You're going to do this
You're going to do it well
And you will succeed
Because you did your best
Tonight we're back in Boulder for our last month in Colorado. It's been our home, with one break, for 6 years! Thanks for some amazing memories, moments of being, and times of growth. Thanks for giving me a chance to call this beautiful place home...our home. And thank you for giving us an opportunity to make California our home now.
Yours, in love,
What a day it was today! We remarked so often how it felt like many days. I guess time moves at a different pace when you're relaxed and feeling whole!
Our day began with exciting stuff - getting our home finalized! It's so beautiful that saying yes to it was a much more effortless decision than figuring out which sunscreen we would need from Von's (which we learned is the SD version of Safeway). And sunscreen we most certainly needed for our beach bumming day! It was so incredible to see you enjoying yourself in the water! Definitely a happy sight! The water was perfect and so mesmerising to get lost in. After the beach, we got to eat at some of our (and Didi and Vansh's) favorite places!
Some uncanny things also happened today:
☆ Our B&B host totally forgetting who we were after talking to us for 20 minutes yesterday.
☆ Getting told I smelled nice by the lady behind us in line at the grocery store.
☆ The Tinder date gone bad. Very very bad. When your date locks herself in the bathroom - can it be good?
☆ The girl who literally told on you at the gelateria.
☆ Getting calls from movers, property managers, and car repair folks during our day.
☆ Sitting on the ground and being level with most 3 year olds in Balboa Park.
☆ Seeing the prayer group in the middle of the park.
☆ The girl ignoring your request to not run over the lizard.
☆ The man who knew I wanted the guava candy.
☆ Learning how an arch-cantilever bridge works.
☆ Walking across an arch-cantilever bridge.
☆ Seeing the dog drinking from a water fountain.
☆ Remembering such wonderful times with Vansh and Didi in so many places we went.
☆ Watching the sea lion do yoga, oops, I mean vomit.
☆ Awesome uncanny - people have been nothing but nice to us so far, including the guy who told us to run for it across a busy street; all the people who give us directions when we clearly look like we're from Jupiter; the chef who made our entire meal vegetarian based on our choice of protein; and making it on time for a gorgeous sunset!
I can't wait to see what tomorrow will hold for us!
I just love you,
He had never had a greater appreciation for life before this job. He thought to himself proudly about how propitious it had been for him to land this position! He was jubilant in his wondering of how he had worked at all those horrid jobs before this, and in all those horrible places, and that he didn't have to anymore. He smiled to himself and counted his blessings as he left work that day. He was the last person out and the day lay invitingly ahead of him as he switched off the lights in the night security guard's office at the cemetery.
Dan and I have called many places home - together and on our own. For some, places make home feel like home. For others, people make a place feel more like home. For me, it has been both. I will miss Colorado a lot, and even though we still have a little more time here, I have begun saying my goodbyes. I have many people to say goodbye to. However, today, I said goodbye to a place that has given Dan and me many memories, from spending time with family and friends, to loving the vegan recommendation of a steak-loving Texan and celebrating birthdays. I will miss the the colors of the lettuce wrap and the flavors of the most creative vegan sushi I've had!
I wish you many places to call home and many happy memories in those places.
There are days when people, hatred, and violence make no sense. Even love seems elusive and confusing. Love, that should be equal and without conditions and judgement. Love, that comes in all shapes, forms, colors, with all sorts of distinctions, permutations, and knows nothing about killing. That love needs room in our hearts, minds, families, communities, and nations.
That love took a giant hit last night. Senseless violence only breeds pain, and with effort, a greater propensity to love and be loved. We humans, we're odd. We rise from ashes leaving a trail of debris, and still know how to hope. We hold broken bodies in our aching arms, and still find a way to love again.
Love. Equal, unencumbered, somber, vivacious, radical. Love.
It always wins.
In the face of hate.
In a world of hurt.
In a time of wounded communities.
It's so hard right now. But while I sit enveloped in anger and pain, I need to remember to love. To send love to those who've lost. To send love to our wounded communities, friends, family, and loved ones, so we can heal, so we can forgive, so we can change, so we can change, so we can change.
So we can change,
how guns are bought;
how hate is bred, manufactured, cultivated, packaged, and delivered;
how lives are forever broken and changed by a single instant;
how we support those of us who need hoards of love;
how we bring folks to account;
how we call out hate for what it is and not demonize entire communities;
how we let terror terrorize us,
Today, I'm heartbroken. I will be tomorrow too. But my heart will heal. Far easier than many others aching and losing room for love in their lives.
I ache for them.
Today, Dan and I got to work this morning building tons of furniture and getting this apartment to look and feel more like home. I tried building my very first complicated piece of furniture and succeeded in building (or more like assembling) an extendable dining table with a drawer! I was pretty darn proud of myself for figuring out how to use the "this thing", "that thingy", "the long round screw", "the screw tightening thingy", "the l-shaped wrench", "the wooden thingies", "the s-shaped wrench", and the drill screwdriver! Of course, I learned the names of all of these thingies and loved thinking about the physics of simple machines (and felt tremendously grateful for the gift of more complex ones)! I nursed many calluses, blisters, and cuts, and so far my recently polished nails still look pretty fantastic, speaking with complete hubris!
I didn't think I could do any of this. I didn't think I would even enjoy banana flavored marshmallow or my very sour beer named most perfectly "Cognitive Dissonance"! But, I did. You never know, right, what may happen, if you don't even try something once?
Today I thought of many many things that have left me culture shocked. I'm in the process of making a list and seeing things through mummy's eyes, has left me even more shocked.
Thanks for often easing the shock, or laughing with me when it's atrocious!
I love you,
To the man lying huddled up
by the church door
under an infested blanket
below an unforgiving sky
filled with breeze and chill,
I am sorry.
I was just walking and thinking to myself
right in the moment before I saw you,
How nice and comfortable the night would be
in my insulated warm apartment
because of this night sky
filled with breeze and chill.
Today was a day for adulting, filled with adulty things, tasks, errands, and responsibilities. Thanks for being there with me through it all even from afar and for all your support. Though forcing me to adult, this day was also brought giggles and adventures! And left me with special memories!
Come fast fast so we can kid and adult together!
Today there were so many times I pinched myself to check if all of this was really happening. I am so grateful it is and I've waited for it for so long that I can't believe it's really happening.
I'm exhausted from joy and just being on my feet all day and I can't wait for tomorrow to jump right back into action with helping to set up home!
Can't wait to share all this with you!
I just love you,
Today I channeled my inner-Dan! I tried new things (rented a giant SUV and drove in a new city) and took risks by doing things like buying furniture and all sorts of stuff and loading them up in our big SUV! And I did it all with two people I love! It was fun, thrilling, and exhausting. And you would've been proud 😉
I love you,
Today sucked. It won't be the last time a day sucked. But some good things came out of it. There's something undeniably sobering about being hopeful. It's human to see the bright side. But first, today really sucked.
Sucky: Lady backed into our car in the parking lot, ignored my honking, had a big car (bigger than ours) and dented our bumper in an unpleasant way, and asked me why I didn't go back into the spot when I saw her coming at me.
Bright Side: Dan and I made a strong team, stood by and up for each other, he was assertive when lady blamed me, and we have insurance.
Sucky: bumper got bumped
Bright Side: people were fine
Sucky: not the funnest way to start our day
Bright Side: we left super early, so weren't late to the doctor appointment
Sucky: we had to sit on the phone with insurance for a long time
Bright Side: we got a helpful person on the phone and the insurance app made things much easier
Sucky: doctor appointment took ages
Bright Side: got many tests taken care of
Sucky: appointment tired us out
Bright Side: we got to cuddle and rest together and celebrate Dan's teaching credential with yummy dinner
Sucky: doctor appointment was frustrating, disheartening, maddening, disappointing, and heartbreaking
Bright Side: we held hands and have each other
We held hands and have each other.
Find the bright side and let it shine.