Sunday, July 31, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Trust

Dear Tomorrow,

Before you learn to trust any one else, you'll find it much more loving to earn your own trust first. Sometimes I wish I had known that a long time ago. But here I am, still learning it every single day.

Maybe you'll learn that earlier?

Lovingly,
Suparna

516

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Last Saturday

Dear Tomorrow,

Today began a new day, a new era for someone I love. And it is the end of one for me.

This past year has been a big gift I gave myself. A gift of time. And most of all a gift of hope, possibility, and potential. That things could change. That I could change.

A year ago, Dan and I were in England celebrating summer, each other, and our possibilities. Today, we are settling in our home in San Diego and I'm at the threshold of a new phase of my life. A year ago, I couldn't have possibly imagined this past year.

It makes me wonder about what you will be like, Tomorrow.

Lovingly,
Suparna

515

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Ice Cream Cannoli

Dear Tomorrow,

Today, we unpacked some more, ran errands, stayed positive, and our home has begun to look more like our home. After a full day's work, we headed out to enjoy Balboa Park, the food truck festival, and a beautiful night out. We watched the sunset and hundreds of people going silly over Pokemon Go. And then we bought beers and enjoyed them in our new home. But before all of that, we decided to try something new. We had some cannoli stuffed with cookies and cream ice cream. At first, I was skeptical. But Dan's confidence helped me and we gave it a try. You will learn that I'm adventurous about many things, but food is often not on that list. It was worth it. It was the perfect cannoli and pre-dinner dessert.

Sometimes it pays to try new things. I hope you always have the courage to try your ice cream cannoli.

Lovingly,
Suparna

514

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Bug, Bugger, Buggest.

Dear Tomorrow,

There are some days that you will look back at and laugh. When they are happening though, you will not feel that way. 

Like today, when Dan and I opened our box of masalas, with a supreme sense of excitement at the prospect of making dal-chawal to treat ourselves after a long day of settling in, only to find nasty bugs devouring our masalas, all our other spices, and most of our food. The grumpy packer must've been really grumpy to have misled us with information about packing our food. We had to throw away all our food, clean out our kitchen as we were unpacking, and spend our evening giving each other pep talks about taking on the bugs. 

One day, we'll laugh at this story. Today, is not that day. 

The best part about it - we were on the same team. And Dan did make me laugh, just not about bugs ; ) 

(Dan - timesheet, sign, neat)

Lovingly,
-Suparna

513

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Adjusting Expectations

Today was a day
with unmet expectations
but positive hearts

Today's haiku is to remind me that even when things don't go as planned (your moving truck is 5 hours late), there's a lot to be grateful for (stuff is here!)

512

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Firsts

Dear Dan,

I hope we'll remember this day as one with our first home cooked meal (colorful rigatoni, vodka sauce, cheesy focassia, and fake fish filets), our first time working alongside at the kitchen counter, first time in downtown SD eating vegan Mexican food, first time looking for parking in old town, walking hand in hand sharing dreams, and enjoying the indelible pleasure of feeling like we chose well.

Here's to many more firsts. Yours,
Suparna

511

Monday, July 25, 2016

Learning a New Home

When I stand in the sand,
My toes play games with each grain,
At first
Every grain digs into me
Piercing my skin
Pushing every known cell
To accommodate
To grow into this new feeling.

I resist.

I kick my feet around
Flail
Drown them in luscious waves
To free myself of the ground I stand on
This new home that wants to root me

Again
The waves rush away from me
Pulling back with the strength of a trillion rubber bands stretching back waiting for their full elasticity to be tested
Before they come crashing back to me
The receding water
Draws in all the little grains of sand around my feet
I feel the 2 feet squared ground hugging my feet
Escaping, collapsing, being swallowed from under me

Again
I resist.
Again
and
again

It's new
It's uncomfortable
It's unfamiliar
It's different

But
Only
Until
I
Don't
Own
It

Only until I don't learn my new home.

510

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Welcome Home

Dear Dan,

Here we are...20 hours of driving through mountains, plateaus, plains, and deserts. We're home! I'm so excited to start this journey with you by my side. Even as we sit here, in our oversized bedroom, listening to the chirp of crickets, digesting frozen pizza, and feeling grateful for our air mattress here, I'm so glad to be here with you.

I love you,
Suparna

509

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Goodbye Colorado

Dear Dan,

Today, we said goodbye to my first home in this country. We began our adventures early enough and left little pieces of our hearts behind at mom and dad's. I can't stomach goodbyes, which was again proven true by the dull stomach ache I had our whole trip today. Our route out of Colorado took us through a little journey back in time through all our favorite spots and all the places we lived in. Traffic cooperated and before we knew it, we were driving gingerly alongside a lost sheep in Glenwood Springs. We never did make it to Hanging Lake and I loved how we both said, "Next time..." as we drove by the exit for it. Thanks for helping me eat my lunch as we zipped through and past the western slopes, past Grand Junction, and then suddenly and sadly crossing the oddly fonted "Leaving Colorful Colorado" sign into "Entering Utah". Bland turned to dry untouched bland, and then into parched dry untouched bland. We then entered Canyonlands and the landscape shifted to my favorite historically fantastical rocks that make me feel like I'm walking with dinosaurs and that someone let gigantic gooey drops of chocolate chip cookie dough drip from a spoon onto a baking tray. Writing about baking trays reminds me - thank goodness for air conditioned cars! The 100+ degrees Fahrenheit temperatures outside became more bearable as we trailblazed at 90 mph (Yay Utah!)

My favorite parts about today that made the heartbreak of leaving family, friends, and places behind bearable were:

■ Taking wondrous memories
■ Our 50th Mile Memories
■ Our 100th Mile Dance Parties
■ You

St. George is hot (102 degrees Fahrenheit at 10pm and feels like hell), but there's no one else I'd rather be driving through southern Utah with, and no one else I'd be saying goodbye to our first home with, no one else I'd be excited to start our new chapter with...than you.

With all my heart,
Suparna

508

A Smile Among Goodbyes

Today begins the last of lasts
Of my first of firsts
My first home away from home
My first snowman welcoming me home
My first time driving
My first friends
My first family in a distant home
My first of many firsts
Is coming to a slow end
As I end my last day
And yet through tears,
I found a smile

507

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Same Team

Sometimes,
We're just not on the same team
How much ever
We may want to be
We talk over one another
Through each other's pleas
Turning ears away
Rolling eyes around
Shooting words like arrows
No,
We were not on the same team

506

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Magic

Dear Tomorrow,

Magic is funny that way
It's in the deepest of hearts
And the silliest of places
If you look deeply
You might miss it
Especially when it's been sitting
Under your nose for ages
Sometimes it's in a surprise phone call
Sometimes it's in a hug you've waited for
Sometimes it's the way the moon rises
And sometimes it's in a bite of your favorite pie
Look for it when you least expect to find it
Look out for it when you're not looking for it
You are magic
So don't look too far

Lovingly,
Suparna

505

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow~ Find Your Sliver

Dear Tomorrow,

Sometimes I worry about this world you will come into. A world that feels so tipsy turvy sometimes. A world that feels stuck on a vault and unable to step down. A world where gravity stops working and hearts forever stay heavy.

Then I tell myself... comfort myself into finding a little sliver of joy. And holding on to it tightly.

I hope I can give you more than a little sliver in this upside down world.

Lovingly,
Suparna

504

Monday, July 18, 2016

Cool Off

When sunshine yellow meets
Caramelised mint and dandelion buds
That's what summer days are made of

503

Sunday, July 17, 2016

One More Goodbye

Another goodbye has begun
As our week of lasts begins
And we welcome new beginnings
New roots
As we start new adventures
With new perspectives
And new insights
Our new steps must be taken

502

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Don't forget to look up

Dear Tomorrow,

Sometimes when you walk on life's paths, you will want to keep your eyes on the ground. You may want to watch every step, keeping one eye on one foot, and the other on the other. You may want to carefully take in each obstacle, each rock you have to climb, each stream you have to cross, and each bench you have to sit on, in your stride. And sometimes, just sometimes, you may just want to look up. Don't forget that. You might be surprised by what you find.

Lovingly,
Suparna

501

Friday, July 15, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Trust Yourself

Dear Tomorrow,

There will be a lot of times, circumstances, events, and people who will come in the way of you trusting yourself. Remember, they're not you. They don't get to be you or live your choices. You get to hold your shoulders high or lower your gaze for. You are the one who will decide when to step in, step back, step up, and step down. You are entirely capable. Trust yourself.

Lovingly,
Suparna

500

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Rainbow and Walrus

Dear Tomorrow,

As we said goodbye today to a city we called home for two years and dear friends and adopted grandparents, I let the streets we drove on bring back lots of memories. I remembered my first time driving, my first walk with Dan in the snow, my first shrimp salad, my first bank account, my first grocery shopping experience with my own money, leaving notes for Dad on his car, long bike rides, meals with family and friends, heartbreaks, trials, goodbyes. I thought of how a walrus makes me smile and felt at home with every color of the rainbow.

I hope you find your homes in loving places like this one.

Lovingly,
Suparna

499

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Sunny Soak Up

A day spent digging for gold
Building forts
Splashing in the water
And being in the sun
Is a pretty marvelous day!
Especially when
You can get four generations
Of a family together
Even the sun smiles for you.

498

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Family Reunions!

This family I know
Filled with kindness and warmth
Opened its doors
To me, with open arms
And since that day
We've had adventures galore
Come what may
They're a family to adore

497

Monday, July 11, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Purging

Dear Tomorrow,

Today I spent a while purging. There's a certain degree of trepidation involved before the actual act. I think of questions like, "What if I'll miss this later?" And, "Will I need this in the future?" I wonder about the sentimentality of objects, things, items. Each one is accompanied by a memory. I think fondly back to some, and some feel vacant and confusing. I get rid of them immediately. After the trepidation passes, I welcome gratitude. I send a good wish out to all the good times linked with that object. I giggle giddy at some, and at others I wince with sadness. Finally, I let go. I put it away and don't think about it. I take in the empty spaces left in their wake and rejoice with openness new beginnings.

And this way, I was able to purge my wardrobe to half its size today.

Sometimes in life, it's okay to purge. Even beyond your clothes.

Lovingly,
Suparna

496

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Good People

When you find good people
Hold on to them
Not necessarily like a fish to water
But more
Like a hand comforting another
It's these hands that hold you
When your foundation feels shaky
And the same hands
That contort questioningly into asks
That push you to grow
It's these hands that are ready to give you high fives, pats, and gentle rubs
Letting you know that tomorrow will come
And, with or without you,
It will trudge forward
It's the same hand that will caress your hair back behind your ears
And the same that will hold you back when you're going too far
The hand that'll feed you
And the hand that'll hold itself open hungry for your love
Be kind to yourself
Be kinder to good people
Hold onto them

495

Saturday, July 9, 2016

A good day

A good day is one
Filled with family
Friends and a loved one

A good day is one
Involving cliff divers
Having some fun

A good day is one
With loud singing
And ice cream in the sun

A good day is one
Like today was
I hope there'll be more to come

494

Friday, July 8, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Wander

Dear Tomorrow,

Today, Dan and I wandered a lot. We wandered through trails and allies that seemed familiar, and those that were new to us. As we wandered, I realized a few things I wanted to share with you:

∆ Wandering is more fun when you're with someone you could get lost with

∆ When wandering, allow yourself to get lost

∆ Realize when you want to be found

∆ Be open to finding bits of yourself in corners, under awnings, and through doorways

∆ Tread carefully and openly

∆ Leave little or no footprints

∆ Acknowledge your fellow wanderers with a smile

∆ Honor your meandering journey - it's unique

∆ Pave your own path, and wander on it

∆ Explore nooks, you never know what you might find there

∆ Remember - not all who are lost wander, but when you do wander, you might just find yourself

Lovingly,
Suparna

493

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Goodbye Home

Today was one of many goodbyes that I have begun to say to this city, this state, people here, memories I've made. I know there's a lot to look forward to - new home, new people, new city, new state, new memories to be made. But today, I watched the sun set over a quiet Denver, snuggled between two hills, watching a movie under the stars and lightening in a distance - and I got to do it all with the person I love and for whom I would do all of this again, willingly, gladly.

492

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Warning Trigger Warning Trigger Warning Trigger





my tears become lost somewhere between
the pillow and the sound of Alton Sterling's son crying
one more black body murdered
trigger warning
trigger warning
trigger warning
trigger
I see
trigger warning
flash before me
warning:
you're about to see a bullet tear through a man's
orange shirt
and color every thread of it red
you see,
his blue veins bleed red
out through the fabric of his orange shirt
covering his black body in a crimson blanket
warning: you're about to see a murder
warning: you're about to see a man die
where is the warning
for the man who pulled the trigger?
does he come with a warning?
warning - trigger in the hands of a white man
warning - trigger in the hands of supremacists
warning - trigger in the hands of disproportionate power
trigger in the hands of oppression and injustice
warning trigger
warning trigger
warning trigger
warning:
you get calluses from pulling triggers
pulling triggers on
limp bodies
tired bodies
black bodies
brown bodies
small bodies
how many more bodies need to fall
how many more bodies need to break
to bleed
to burst open
to burn alive
to breed hatred
borne from despair
from cowardice
from power, from supremacy, from violence
to bleeding bombing bullets
how many more bodies
how many more families
need to watch their own limbs
cracked broken
hung from trees writing stories no one wants to read
how many more families
need to suffocate
under the weight of an armed police officer
as generations of survivors of racist cruelty
gag
one gasping syllable at a time
I
can't
breathe
hold your breath
hold your choke
hold this moment
in your arms
let the weight of it
crush you
let it burn
the disinterest out of you
let it smother
the desensitization that breeds you
one body should be too much
yet too much
is a line we crossed a long time ago
a time before that first ship sailed to shore
with bodies bundled to be owned
a time before headless bodies
swung from trees
and their blood sowed seeds
for a new tomorrow
a today
that stinks of yesterday
these are just words
words that bleed from open wounds
that cannot...
no, will not heal
how do you heal
from watching a murder
of your child, parent, of your lover
how do you heal
from a trigger
a warning:
This graphic video shows police shoot and kill a man
trigger warning
trigger warning
trigger warning
trigger
warning:
you're about to watch
one of your own
murdering
your own
warning:
this trigger comes with no warning
it just kills



491

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Where the sky meets the ground

Some moments meet in the middle
where time doesn't matter
and seconds come last
in a race towards the beginning
of you, me, and all we'll ever be

Some dreams tremor with anxiety
rubbing hands in anticipation
pursing lips to stop words from escaping
before it's too late to dream the unlikely
with you, me, and all we'll ever be

Some children let out laughs of glee
knowing so well that being unafraid
of tomorrow and unassuming about yesterday
sets you free, as it will,
you, me, and all we'll ever be

Some skies bend low
as they kiss the earth with eyes shut
in fluffy azure waiting to erupt
in grey tears never to be heard
except, by you, me, and all we'll ever be

490

Monday, July 4, 2016

Freedom Feels Good

Train rides through mountain sides
Small town walks, being with rocks
Frozen desserts fixing hunger spurts
Loud laughter and good conversation after
Shiny loud lights in the sky
On a cool night this fourth of July

489

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Letters to Tomorrow ~ Let a Laugh Out

Dear Tomorrow,

Today we spent time with people who make us let our laugh as out. Not meek polite laughter, but big loud laughs that hold happiness and let it linger through raucous vibrations in the air. Laughter that is shameless. Laughter that is forgiving. Laughter that lets a laugh out.

Don't forget to laugh. Lovingly,
Suparna

488

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Life's up and then down

While life is still up,
I'd like to pinch myself
To check if this is truly real
Then I'd like to breathe in every moment
To savor each second
And to remind myself that though it will end
It's happening right now

487

Time

Where did the time go?
She asked to no one in particular.

Time responded slowly
That it's always been right here.

486