Birth of a Mother: All the Things You Taught Me

My dear baby,

I want to thank you for all these lessons you taught me while we shared a home and a heart for 9 months. I wrote this to you a few days before you arrived.

I have known you now for 39 weeks and a few days. Approximately 260 something days. I felt you in me the day after your journey began. One part of him and one part of me. And here you are...a whole lot of you!

Of course some days and moments jump out at me more than others...

Standing in the bathroom taking the second pregnancy test and confirming that this was all indeed happening. We made arbi that night. It was delicious. The doctor walking down the aisle of the clinic with a big smile. Calling Dan to tell him. Video chatting with Mummy when she was in Nepal and asking her, "What are your plans next June?" and her responding, "Why? Are you having a baby?" Telling Papa and him telling me how happy he was. Telling Didi and Vansh, and Didi saying, "My baby sister is going to have a baby!" Telling Mom at the airport 30 seconds after we picked her up. Telling Dad, and him saying, "I thought you guys were going to wait a little while." Telling Brian, Sarah, and the kids. Telling Mark. Telling Kevin, Chie, and their kids. Chie giving me her maternity jeans.

When I first started feeling sick. It was a really uncomfortable feeling. I wanted to just throw up, but nothing would come out. I remember the first time I threw up. It was while I was in training and I remember what I threw up. As a child (and onwards), I had always been afraid of throwing up. I think most will agree with me (and I hope you don't have too much experience with this in your life) that it's all around a very exhausting and unpleasant experience. It's accompanied by aches, gross smells, and feelings of being drained. I have forever had a shift in my feelings around throwing up. It was so different throwing up knowing (it's because) there is someone growing inside me...you.

It was a difficult first trimester. I was sick a lot. I had just started a new job. We had recently moved to a new city. I had encountered some wonderful people and some people who I wish I never have to interact with again. I had very little energy, very little appetite, and a lot of sickness. 

It was difficult feeling averse towards food and not having the energy to heal every weekend, before jumping back into a very hectic week of work. I also did not know many pregnant women around me and the ones I knew, seemed to have different experiences. Many times and days during my first many months, I felt like I wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough, that my body wasn't whole enough for you. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted me to be perfect for you. 

Your first home was something I wanted to make comfortable, warm, and loving. I wanted you to know how much I loved having you in me. It was something I tried to tell you every moment I got, even though there were moments when I was really struggling to feel good. Thank you for teaching me that my body could be a safe haven for another human being. 

It's a funny thing feeling out of control of your own body. It's an even more courageous thing letting go of all control so you can grow and be you. And the things I do control, I need to have the bravery to own. Thank you for being one of my favorite teachers in this life-long lesson: I'm not always in control and that's okay. 

It was difficult feeling that poorly for a long time. Books, doctors, and moms let me know it'll pass. Or it may not. I was told to get up, get out, go for walks, not sit holed up in my bedroom on the weekends...and I would get angry at myself, because I simply couldn't. There were days when moving positions in my bed would trigger inconsolable nausea. Books told me that the nausea peaks between 12 - 16 weeks. I braced myself and kept my eyes on the 17th week. It came and went, and I learned another valuable lesson: our bodies are a vessel, and each of us are different. 

It happened just before Thanksgiving. I had been having terrible headaches, accompanied with nausea for a few days. I felt the onset of one of these headaches at work and decided to leave early. Traffic was bad that day and I realized, I didn't have my "evening throw-up container" with me in the car (I had already used my morning one on the way over to work). I kept Dan on the phone with me for support and made it to the exit for our home. As I was trying to merge on to the exit ramp, I felt my nausea surge and scrambled for anything I could find to catch it. It was quite terrible! I realized that day that my nausea may not get better and that I would need to find a way to cope, rather than keep hoping it would get better. That day marked my shift. It's amazing what happens when you shift your expectations! Thank you for that lesson too: change your expectations, but always have high standards.

Over all these months, Dan and I have shared our news of you with so many! We've changed travel plans and life plans to get ready for this - our biggest life change - and it's been magical! You've already been on plane rides with me - to Portland and Denver - and I don't think you liked them much - but hopefully you'll enjoy them as you get older! Thanks for that lesson too: listening to your preference at an early age! 

Throughout the many phases of this journey with you, I have learned so much, grown so much, hurt (and hurled) a bit, and now feel so ready to do all of it again - every day for and with you. 

I am so excited to welcome you to this world! This past year has been a difficult one for the world. In November, I felt like a part of our human existence had died. Every day, I read the news with trepidation - what else can go wrong? How else can we keep spiraling downwards? And there have been many days when I have been hopeless, scared, and exhausted. But you growing inside me has taught me that we need to keep fighting. And boy am I lucky to have people in my life worth fighting for?

While I reflect on the people in my life worth fighting for - I think about your Dad. These past 9 months have brought Dan and I closer than ever before. Co-creating a life with him has been one of the greatest experiences of my life and he has been there during every single meal, lesson, sleepless night, exhausting day, jog to the bathroom to throw up, clean up, grocery shopping run, wake up in the middle of the night to help me get out of bed expedition, every scare, and every celebration along the way. He has been an extension of my body - of us. And I have looked over many nights at his sleeping silhouette and felt our three bodies deeply connected. Thank you, my dear baby, for the gift of closeness and such a deep bodily and emotional connection with my Dan. 

People around us are also being birthed into new roles! It's been great watching your grandparents becoming grandparents from our parents...our siblings becoming your aunts and uncles. Thank you for that reminder too: family is so important!

I can't imagine all of the angst, surprises, joys, and sleepless nights that await me - but there's no other person I'd rather do it than for you.

With all my love and more gratitude than I can express,

Your Mamma

826

Not Yet

But so close indeed!

We're so close,
Yet in the scope of how
Life is about to change
We're so far
Indeed

Each breath
Each moment
Is something I want to
Cherish

825

To Our Destination

My dear baby,

I have known you now for 40 weeks and a few days. Approximately 260 something days. I felt you in me the day after your journey began. One part of him and one part of me. And here you are...a whole lot of you!

Of course some days and moments jump out at me more than others...

Standing in the bathroom taking the second pregnancy test and confirming that this was all indeed happening. We made arbi that night. It was delicious. The doctor walking down the aisle of the clinic with a big smile. Calling Dan to tell him. Video chatting with Mummy when she was in Nepal and asking her, "What are your plans next June?" and her responding, "Why? Are you having a baby?" Telling Didi and Vansh, and Didi saying, "My baby sister is going to have a baby!" Telling Papa and him telling me how happy he was. Telling Mom at the airport 30 seconds after we picked her up. Telling Dad, and him saying, "I thought you guys were going to wait a little while." Telling Brian, Sarah, and the kids. Telling Mark. Telling Kevin, Chie, and their kids. Chie giving me her maternity jeans.

When I first started feeling sick. It was a really uncomfortable feeling. I wanted to just throw up, but nothing would come out. I remember the first time I threw up. It was while I was in training and I remember what I threw up. As a child (and onwards), I had always been afraid of throwing up. It's all around a very exhausting and unpleasant experience. It's accompanied by aches, gross smells, and feelings of being drained. I have forever had a shift in my feelings around throwing up. It was so different throwing up knowing there was someone growing inside me...you.

It was a difficult first trimester. I was sick a lot. I had just started a new job. We had recently moved to a new city. I had encountered some wonderful people and some people who I wish I never have to interact with again. I had very little energy, very little appetite, and a lot of sickness.

It was difficult feeling averse towards food and not having the energy to heal every weekend, before jumping back into a very hectic week of work. I also did not know many pregnant women around me and the ones I knew, seemed to have different (non-sick) experiences. Many times and days during my first many months, I felt like I wasn't good enough, wasn't strong enough, that my body wasn't whole enough for you. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted me to be perfect for you.

Your first home was something I wanted to make comfortable, warm, and loving. I wanted you to know how much I loved having you in me. It was something I tried to tell you every moment I got, even though there were moments when I was really struggling to feel good. Thank you for teaching me that my body could be a safe haven for another human being.

It's a funny thing feeling out of control of your own body. It's an even more courageous thing letting go of all control so you can grow and be you. Thank you for being one of my favorite teachers in this life-long lesson: I'm not in control.

It was difficult feeling that poorly for a long time. Books, doctors, and moms let me know it'll pass. Or it may not. I was told to get up, get out, go for walks, not sit holed up in my bedroom on the weekends, and I simply couldn't. There were days when moving positions in my bed would trigger inconsolable nausea. Books told me that the nausea peaks between 12 - 16 weeks. I braced myself and kept my eyes on the 17th week. It came and went, and I learned another valuable lesson: our bodies are all different.

It happened just before Thanksgiving. I had been having terrible headaches, accompanied with nausea for a few days. I felt the onset of one of these headaches at work and decided to leave early. Traffic was bad that day and I realized, I didn't have my "throw-up container" with me in the car. I kept Dan on the phone with me for support and made it to the exit for our home. As I was trying to merge on to the exit ramp, I felt my nausea surge and scrambled for anything I could find to catch it. It was quite terrible! I realized that day that my nausea may not get better and that I would need to find a way to cope, rather than keep hoping it would get better. That day marked my shift. It's amazing what happens when you shift your expectations! Thank you for that lesson too!

Over all these months, Dan and I have shared our news of you with so many! We've changed travel plans and life plans to get ready for this - our biggest life change - and it's been magical! You've already been on plane rides with me - to Portland and Denver - and I don't think you liked them much - but hopefully you'll enjoy them as you get older! Thanks for that lesson too: listening to your preference at an early age!

Throughout the many phases of this journey with you, I have learned so much, grown so much, hurt quite a bit, and now feel so ready to do all of it again - every day for and with you.

I am so excited to welcome you to this world! This past year has been a difficult one for the world. In November, I felt like a part of our human existence had died. Every day, I read the news with trepidation - what else can go wrong? How else can we keep spiraling downwards? And there have been many days when I have been hopeless, scared, and exhausted. But you inside me has taught me that we need to keep fighting. And how lucky am I to have people in my life worth fighting for?

While I reflect on the people in my life worth fighting for - I think about your Dad. These past 9 months have brought Dan and I closer than ever before. Co-creating a life with him has been one of the greatest experiences of my life and he has been there during every single meal, lesson, sleepless night, exhausting day, run to the bathroom to throw up, clean up, grocery shopping run, wake up in the middle of the night to help me get out of bed expedition, every scare, and every celebration along the way. He has been an extension of my body - of us. And I have looked over many nights at his sleeping silhouette and felt our three bodies deeply connected. Thank you for the gift of closeness and such a deep bodily and emotional connection with my Dan.

People around us are also being birthed into new roles! It's been great watching your grandparents becoming grandparents from our parents...our siblings becoming your aunts and uncles. Thank you for that reminder too: family is so important!

I can't imagine all of the angst, surprises, joys, and sleepless nights that await me - but there's no other person I'd rather do it than for you.

Today will be the start of something... Your journey out to us as you become our destination.

We love you and can't wait to meet you,

Mummy and Daddy

824

On My Own Time

This story is ours
to write and to tell

A narrative we get to
have
only a few chapters in

There is much we don't yet know
about how this story goes

But, you see,
that's the beauty of it all

As we rise and fall

Not knowing what turn
the next chapter will take

Skip ahead, if you'd like

Won't matter,
it hasn't been written yet

823

Tomorrow is not Promised

In its severity
Today can seem
Unbearably unbearable
Yet, in the face of
An unguaranteed Tomorrow
Today feels endless,
Immense, and all I could
Ever need

822

With Ease and Gentleness

Trivial as it may seem,
Its complexities are layered enough
To swallow whole

An entire process of
Life creating, bearing, bringing, raising,
Living, learning, knowing life

Began a few hundred days ago.
Only a few more days remain
Between simplicity and a complex

So complex, it could swallow me whole
Yet, it blankets me in
The most life-giving of all

Embraces I've ever known.
And I can't wait to hold it
And breathe with it,

With ease and gentleness

821

Maybe May'by

So you're not going to be
A May baby

But we'll see you in June
And that's so soon

Maybe tomorrow
Maybe next week
Maybe you'll be kind
And be on time?

Either way
Whatever you choose
Mummy and Daddy
Can't wait to hold you

820

Full

Is it possible for
This heart
To be any
Fuller?

As time swells,
My hopes join it
And this excitement
Becomes one with me

As inevitable as it all seems
It's the distance
And the unknown
That keep me going
And yield impatience

All in the excitement
Of you
With my full heart
Full of Hope

819

I'm Right Where I Need To Be

Timelessness
And being somewhere else
Rub me the right way
Sometimes
And in some places
Right now, though,
My body and mind are right where they
Need to be

Cocooned in between
Here and there
And finding
Solace, even joy,
In the spaces in between

This is between
You and me
I'm right where I need to be
I hope you are too

818

Life's Like That Only

Untimely
Unknown
Fragile
Fleeting
Breathless
Heavy
Lightheaded
Full
Life's full of all of it
And as empty
As we want it to be

817

Life's Like That Only

Untimely
Unknown
Fragile
Fleeting
Breathless
Heavy
Lightheaded
Full
Life's full of all of it
And as empty
As we want it to be

816

There Yet?

Patience has been eagerly
Waiting for me
To find it,
As it hides
And asks me to seek

816

Learn to Walk Away

It truly is something
That needs to be mastered
Knowing when to step in,
And when to walk away

815

Old Habits

I'm at the verge of
Something new
Unforeseen
Never experienced before
I noticed even more today
As I wandered through
A room of old habits,
How truly
Unprepared and simultaneously
Ready I am for this new beginning

814

Coincidence

Some things are coincidences
Some things happen to be incidental
You are neither
And for that I'm eternally grateful

813

In Between

There's this word,
That doesn't really exist
To describe these moments
That transition into hours
Into days
Into memories
In between

In between this and that
In between
Here and there
In between
What we know, have known all this time,
And what we can only imagine
In between what has been
And what it's all about to become
In between us being us two
To us being us three

I'm here,
In between
And I know you're there
On the other side
Waiting for me,
Tomorrow

812

Are You Alright?

I know,
I have to trust.
Thanks for being my teacher.
But this one's hard.

811

Domingo

And so it goes
Another day of being
A gift of breath
Of kind loving
So much abundance
Of many things to be grateful for
So many
I can't count that high
That's a day worth having lived

810

Such Splendor

Small wonders
Are my current
Big deal
The smallest
Twitch
Jolt
Swish
Leave me
Waiting
Wondering
About your
Small splendor

809

Capturing Moments

Some days,
I just want to
Conjure a bottle
And store
In it
The indescribable
Feeling
That is my full heart

808

Keep Beating, Okay Heart?

It may not listen to me
As clearly as I want it to
It may not ever understand
How I want to will it
In a certain way
I've demanded a lot from it...
I've asked it to forget,
To let go,
To forgive pain
To beat faster than it can handle
To slow down with every breath
To give me the boost I need
To leap into unknowns
To trust itself with what it knows
Yet, today, I have just one more request,
A simple one, I hope,
Keep beating, okay, heart?
Because you're what I need.

807

Out Of My Hands

Every moment since
Has been nothing
But a mighty act of letting go

This is out of my hands
Even if I may not feel as though
It's never been in mine, ever, really

Not sure I know exactly where
This journey will take me
I'm ready, for my destination

I know it's right around the corner
I feel it under my ribs
And in my body

I think I might have control,
But, really, every moment since then
Has prepared me to let go

806

Restful Restlessness

Getting there
I know it
Yet my body is restless
Which means it refuses to rest
Even when I know it needs to
Like a camel unsure of
Much water it still has in store
And how much it will need
When it doesn't know
How much of the journey is still left

I am restless.

805

Can't Wait to Meet You

That's what us grown ups do
We read, take classes, get advice,
And watch videos
To get ready for you

We build, assemble, paint, and clean
So we can get everything ready,
Your room, your bed, your closet,
And even a sound machine

You are doing so great, our little Roo
So keep growing, rolling, and dancing
You're becoming your own person,
And we can't wait to meet you

804

Made It!

Here we go!
37 weeks today!
We're getting there!
Almost here!
Stay a little longer though!
And grow, grow grow!

803

Toast-Bread

This is it,
No going back.
From here,
To there.
Only one direction to keep moving
Onwards,
Out,
Up!

802

Good Friends

When you find a little piece
Of your heart
Beating in someone else
Know that I take very seriously
The responsibility of holding
Your little heart piece close to mine too
Of caring for it,
Nourishing it,
And thanking you, my good friend,
For it

801

11 Years Ago

Do you remember today? Today, 11 years ago?

I remember giving into all of my fears,

With the immensity of hope.

I remember my heart not waiting for my permission,

To erupt from my body.

I remember how perfectly moist the air smelled,

Though that was sweat, not air on me.

I remember the pulled-up sleeves on your borrowed jacket,

You holding me back as I naively jumped out of the car.

I remember that room number,

I know you do too.

Eleven years have passed,

Since I first met you.

800

Be Okay

There's so much to let go off
So much I know
Is out of my reach
I try
To do all I can
To make it perfect
Yet
There so much I cannot change
Cannot control

799

My Favorite Feeling

My Dear Baby,

Thank you for giving me a taste of one of my favorite feelings​ in the whole wide world.

I have felt so many amazing feelings in my life so far. The thrill of young love. The adrenaline that fuels risks. The snuggles of a new born puppy. The smell of a new old book with so many stories hidden in it. The gush of afternoon rain partnered with a strong cup of tea. Creating something to share with others. That kiss by the lake when his tears mingled with mine. The interlacing of my fingers in the hands of my big sister. When my mother told me she was proud of me. The way a child looks at you to let you know you've been a good teacher to them. The undeniable freedom of being independent. Soaring through space while dancing like you're completely alone. Dancing with him. The moment after a long and perfect conversation with a close friend. The first bite of something cooked with love. The first day of summer vacation with your cousins. The way he falls asleep in the nook between the neck and shoulder. The way his snores tickle. The way a song can make you cry.

And then you came along.

And from the first time I felt you move in me, to every single stretch, kick, roll, summersault, disco-move, side-step, and little hiccup you share with me...I have found one of my favorite feelings in the world.

Thank you, my baby, for giving me this gift of growing with you. My heart flutters every time you roll. My fingers trace your little limbs and humble me - I was once that small. And you will one day be big.

Today, though, let me hold you tight and nurture you, as I enjoy one of my favorite feelings. You - inside me.

With all my love and so much gratitude to you for choosing my body as your home,
Your Mommy

798

8 Saal

That sunny day,
Under that full tree
We stood slightly nervous
At the union of our unlikely
Families
Wholly resolute in our
Understanding
Of what brought us there
And where we would be going next.

I blink back a few pushy tears
When I think of all the moments
Since
And hope for all the moments
Onward.

Like getting ready for a trip
And packing up everything we need
In the luggage of our lives.
Our collective existence
As us.

Eight years have past
And I still can't
Unpack our bags.

Maybe it's because
I know we have another adventure
Just around the corner.

797

Away

The bed feels too big
The house too quiet
The keyboard is silent too
Without your fingers on it

Lights feels less bright
The sun is still being shy
Without you right here
Things don't feel right

As you grow and soar
I know you miss me too
With each passing moment
I miss you more

796

Early Celebration

A few days early,
Couldn't hurt
To begin our festivities
To celebrate us
All these years,
All these journeys
Converge for us
To begin new adventures

795

Kingly Treat

What a treat
To plant myself
On a very cozy,
Happy, large King bed!
This royal treatment,
Will go far,
In ensuring
That my aches
And pains,
Feel better!

794

Gifts of Access

Having a little access
Can go a long way
I think of that,
Especially today
When so many
Will lose sleep tonight
So many will
Breathe heavy
Because of real fears
Unforgivable worries
About access

793

Luxuries

Such a treat,
To get some help
To take care of myself
When someone else can
Care for us

792

Bodies

A little seed
Grows patiently
Through ups and downs
In the soil it's planted in

791

Why is it so hard?

Some days,
I just don't know
If I can see
What you see
Or even more
How you see me

790

You're Home

Waiting patiently
Gambling knowingly
Putting life
On hold
Living partially
Till you
Come back
Back again
To us
To life
You're home

789

Not Alone

I held you tight today
Though through muscle,
Blood, and skin
You didn't hold me back,
But you kicked and jolted back
To let me know,
You knew,
I was here.
You knew you were not alone
And to let me know,
I'm
Not alone

788

And so it begins

I've been here before,
I can smell the excitement,
The relief.
The small sadness inside
Swells and subsides.
Still hasn't sunk in
And it will probably all change,
Or become my new normal,
Before I even realize it.
It's just like last time,
And so it begins

787

Eve of Newness

What will tomorrow hold?
I wonder with all my might

Will it be filled with dull doubts
Or bright guiding light?

786

Uncertainty

Moments of clarity
Try to fight their way
Through the thicket
Of my uncertain fears.

Who will win?

785

Hear, Listen

He tries to listen,
But hasn't heard him yet
They're talking to one another
In different languages
Too much pain
And fear
To actually hear
Or speak

784

The beginning of another end

Last week begins
And I can feel my body,
Mind, and heart prepare
For yet another end
As I get ready for the biggest
Beginning
I've ever known

783

Dangerous

You should not own one.
There should be some law,
Some enforcement,
Stopping you from getting your hands on one.

There's nothing safe,
Nothing right,
About one with you,
You know that, I know you do.

You hurt others,
You've hurt yourself,
Why are you making it easier,
To be so dangerous?

782

March On

There's a tomorrow
And it cannot be taken
For granted
There are oceans,
Seas, mountains, and valleys
That long precede us,
And will most certainly outlive us.
So as you walk today,
Do so with the knowledge
That your steps
Are temporary
But your footprints,
Have a chance of surviving
Past your presence.
So,
March on

781

Making More Room

As you grow and change
So do I
Our bodies intertwine
We share a space
Even as you grow into your own
I'm making more room
For your home

780

You're Back!

Unlike yesterday,
You seem back today.
Back to who I know
As you and I like that.
I like having you around
Back as all you are

779

Can't Make You

No matter what I try
To say or do
If you don't see what you're worth
I can't make you

No matter what I say
To let you know
Won't mean a thing till you believe
You are worth it, capable, and so much more

So it's really up to you
How you care for you
I could try, but would fail
Because I can't make you

778

A little longer still

Stay in there a little longer
Please
There's a little more growing
Little more becoming
You
That still needs to happen
A little more practice
A little more habit
A little more of getting to know you
That still needs to happen
Stay in there
A little longer
My little one

777

Talk to Me

It's so much simpler
When you just talk to me.
It may not be easier,
I acknowledge,
But it does make things simpler,
When you just talk to me.
When you don't,
I hear it in your voice,
I sense it in your silence
And it hurts.
It hurts because you won't talk,
Yet you're screaming in your quiet.
And it hurts.

776

Your Movements

It's been a little over seven months
And though you change so often
I feel like I know you
A part of me is getting to know you
Each day I learn something new
I've had friends, partners, colleagues, teachers, students
I've learned so much loving with my partner
Yet learning about you is a whole different experience
I am learning to listen for you
In between your silences
Learning to feel you
Before you summersault
Putting my hand in my belly
And feeling you reach out
You're teaching me so much
About you,
About us,
And I haven't even met you

775

Tomorrow's Sun

Today I said goodbye
To the most beautiful rays of pink
Lined with the shade of gold
Found in a perfectly poached egg
As it went down
I took a deep breath
And, not for the first time,
Marveled at just how lucky
I am
And will be
If I get to see
Tomorrow's sun

774

Untimely

Out of time
Out of sync
Our of whack
Out on a whim
Somedays are better than
Other days
Today was an other day though

773

That's Crazy

Before you call something
Crazy
Think
About the everyday struggles
That break people's hearts
And the binds that shackle them
To the smallest thread of insanity

772

Lunch Treats

I know it's not a lot
But it means so much
To my little heart
And my big hopes
That you have me this lunch treat
It was filled with smiles
And left me so full,
Renewed, and
Ready
All it took,
Was a little treat
A little lunch treat.

771

Downs and Ups

In a stretch of 60 minutes
So much can with a heart down,
While lifting it all the way up
And through it all,
Knowing I've got my feet on the ground
Keeps my head steady
For the next down and up

770

New Life

New life enters
As it exits and leaves
The old behind
To never turn back
Never look over its shoulders
To tread forward
One step at a time

769

Summersaults and Dances

It's there enough room in there
For your acrobatics,
Your gymnastics?

Sometimes I have to wonder
When my insides tighten,
And I can't feel my outsides

Do you still have room?

But then I watch you ripple
Across my body,
Underneath my skin

And I can almost hear the music
Loud and clear,
That you're dancing to

768

Biggest

And then it's something else
To feel you growing,
Getting big, bigger,
Inside me.
Just like that hibiscus in bloom outside,
You stemmed from a little seed,
And will soon shed the cocoon
That's your home,
Has been your home.
My body has never had a greater honor
Than to be your home

767

Bigger

It's really something
To watch anything​ grow
That transition from
Small to big
To small again at the end
To watch a bud rise
Into a cocoon petals
And then retreat back into
Its smallest self again
Only to relive,
Rejuvenate,
Into something new,
Again

766

Big

As you twist
And maneuver your way around
Inside me
I feel myself swell.
With every breath
I inhale a profound tightness
That comes with a big heart
And so much love

765

Being

So much to be here for
Why then does my mind wander
To places I surely
Need to walk away from?

764

The Freedom to Be

We have so much
To be grateful for
So much ability
To be who we want to be
In a world
Tirelessly trying
To make us more,
Less,
Different
I am so glad
We've got the freedom
To just be

763

Your First Clothes

I finish up that last stitch.
I can almost smell you.
I haven't seen you,
But I can picture you now,
In this little piece of your grandfather -
Your Dada.
With every stitch,
I imagine you in this outfit,
Your first in this world
When you will exit me
And we'll clothe you,
Hold you,
Console you,
As you leave your little world
To come see us

762

Terima Kasih

You have always been there
Your support,
Kindness,
And encouragement,
Mean a lot
Tireless, and ever present,
Today, I thank you,
For today, yesterday, and beyond

761

Innuendoes

There were so many of them
Hidden amidst cliches,
Trite everyday moments,
And -ist stereotypes
Yet they were there,
Pushing boundaries
Painstakingly slow, though it may be
At least in a positive direction,
Those innuendoes

760

The beginning of a beginning

Life changes its course
In ways we cannot predict
I'm glad mine took these turns
So I could find myself
At this stop sign
At this fork
And choose my next step

759

Good People

When you find them,
Keep them close
When you have the chance,
Aspire to be like them
Good people, you see
Are hard to come by

758

Dates

Special dates like these
Make days feel whole and complete
Even when they're ridden with holes
Left in my shell from
Insecurities that aren't my own

757

Loose

When tightness gives way
To tension,
And eventually relief,
This body rests
In quietude

756

Tight

All this tightness
Has pushed me to
My edge
Full of burns
And through it all
I feel you
And it makes it all okay

755

Goodbyes Hellos

And another evening settles
And tucks me into
A new night
As this day too
Graduates into a memory
Of yesterday

754

Birthday

Here we are
Celebrating such a milestone
As we go from
30 weeks
To 30 years

753

Birthday Eve

As a pre-birthday present,
We got to see you!
In all your hairy glory
As you swam,
Touched your toes,
And moved around in me

752

Made It?

Almost there
And survived so far
Question is,
Will I thrive?

751

Generations

3 generations coming together
Transgressions of time
And merging of places
Who knows what's yet to come
And how their legacy will continue

750

Dancer

My little dancer
Grooving
Moving
Keep dancing
In there
When you're out
We'll do everything we can
To make this world
A sweet little dance floor
For you to jive on

749

Teeter-Totter

Such a fine balance
Between this and that
Now and never
Today and tomorrow
And still,
It feels like an ocean
To cross

748

Culinary Collaboration

To cook with you
Is one of my favorite things to do
I love how you are the saute
To my chopping
You bring spice to my
Pressure cooked alu
And my chana wouldn't be
The same
Without you
It may seem like standard recipes
But to me
It's the kind of collaboration
That creates wonders

747

Team Together

We're team together
In this together
Trudging
Trying
Triumphing
And you know what
There's no one else who's team
I rather be together with

746

Time

Getting a little extra time
To breathe
And be
Are gifts that multiply
Slow and steady
To create care
That holds a space
Long and strong
Even after all is
In rest

745

Daddy's Drummer

At 140 something BPM
You are racing ahead
And marching steadily onwards
To a beat loud and clear
Yours
Personalized
Truly yours

744

Say Something Nice

When you arrive
I want to remember
To say something nice
It will go a long way
In helping you see
And become a nice person
As you age
And see the world through your
Own two eyes
Perhaps then the world will be
Different
Because more will
Say something nice

743

Dryer Maker

Things break,
It's when people do,
That really causes alarm
To repair
To want to heal,
To need to change

742

Empathy

It's not too much of me
To ask
Of you
To show some empathy
And look past your own fear
That pushes you to judge
Anyone unlike you

741

Just Be

There's so much
We'll never know
So much to torment over
That has never been
What ifs to lose sleep for
So what's to cry for
Why then is it so hard
To just be?

740

Each Breath

You're here
Beside me
The relief
And calm
You bring
With each breath
Fills me

You're here
Being
My world feels
A little more complete
A little more right
With each breath
You take

You're here
I see you
I feel you
This is right where I want to be
Breathing
With each breath
Of yours

739

No Burns

Such gratitude fills me
For something so small
The feeling of not having holes
With burns escaping me

738

The privilege to not know

When you don't know
By choice
That is true privilege
To be able to turn away from
And turn off
What's happening around you
That's privilege
How then, will you know
What's happening to me
When you can't see you?

737

In and Out

What is and isn't
Is usually unchangeable
It's mostly always been that way
Either in or out
So why try to fight it?
Step out of its way
Look out for yourself
But do with whatever for you need to
To take charge of what's in
And let go of what's out

736

Tomorrow I'll Miss You

Dear Dan,

You're here right now, and that's all that matters. I will miss you tomorrow, though.

One day, I will get better at not missing the things in front of me.

All my love,
Suparna

735

Let's Talk

When you stop talking
Real listening begins
Right at the very edge of it all
They converge
Fine as the line between
Here and there
I'll find you
I'm ready to listen
So let's talk

734

I Got You

My skin tightens
Stretching across a new landscape
Lined with new pathways
Not sure if they go
From up to down
Or down to up
Feeling him move across
And inside me
Is most magical
I wait for these moments all day
Like a hug on the other side of exhaustion
Saying,
I got you, Mummy.
I got you.

733

Milestones

At the end of this
All we're left with is
Memories
Memories married to milestones
Intertwined as one
Even when milestones fade
Memories sharpen

732

Unknown

What lies behind
Unveiled threats
Is more terrifying
Than thankless lies
About people's truths
About people's lives

Living with that level
Of uncertainty
Leaves residues of
Nausea, no drug can relieve
In a hopeless tomorrow
Today is heightened
In every way

731

Accountable

It's not that hard
To say you're sorry
And hold your privilege accountable
But when you've never learned
To confront yourself
How then
Will you know to respond
To me?

730

Sunsets

The day stood by
Waiting for is grand exit
As night began its shift
So many of these have gone by
Some noticed
Some blurry
Today's was one of my favorites
Because it was with you

729

Another Month Gone

And so it begins
The beginning of a new end
As second rolls into third
And you become closer to being here
So much to be thankful for
So much to look forward to

728

Self-Care

Dear Tomorrow,

Today I put care for myself before others. It doesn't come easily to me and it takes effort to get past the guilt. But a little self-care goes a long way to have the stamina to care for others.

Love you,
Suparna

727

Easy Peasy

Such an easy fix
To such a difficult thing
That makes my life,
Being able to see so
Much easier
So easy
Yet not simple

726

The tickle in my throat

Indeed
There it is
Reminding me
That I never even really had it
So how did I let it go
And when you have to let go
Of all that control
It's freeing
And not even that tickle can
Stifle me

725

Just You and Me

Dear Tomorrow,

Today it was just you and me and I'd say we did quite well! What do you think? I think we make a good team!

I love you,
Suparna

724

The Miracle In Me

Can you hear all the of my fears
And feel all of my hope
As you become my friend
My little tenant
Who I couldn't imagine life without

723

Your Little Heart

There it is
Or
Here it is, rather
Beating steadily
Four chambers and all
A fighting rhythmic chance
From the start
To at least try and beat
All the way through
And though I want to protect
You from breaking
Or hurting
I know those are inevitable truths
So I'll instead try
To make you strong
Beating
And full

722

Otherly Away

I am
Wholly
Ready to be whisked
Away
Utterly
Truly
Otherly
Away

Will you come with me?

721

Blue Couch

Your first office
Yours
Just yours
Made yours with so much care,
Thought, and love
That love is visible in every corner
On the whiteboard
With my name in Hindi,
On the pictures that line your shelves
And bulletin board
Or that gigantic white elephant

But it's not just love
That made this sweet office,
It's years of hard work
And incredible perseverance

And here I am left with pride
For you

720

Sunday Funday

When time stands still
In the moments between embraces,
Meals, drinks, and errands,
Or in the memories made
While walking around a store
With an empty stroller,
That's what days, special days like these
Are made of

719

Ties

All of our ties
And all of our bonds
Bring us to new full places
That couldn't be
If it wasn't for you and me

718

Underground Network

20 years of hell
Were celebrated again tonight
With love, compassion, and
Electric energy
I couldn't have asked for a better place to be tonight

717

Beats Per Minute

You beat so fast
And with all I am
I am still boggled
That there are two hearts
Beating inside me
When you have a miracle
Like that
It's hard for my hearts to not race

716

Calm during high waters

Today tested me
As temperatures rose
And waters were tested
An unknown level-headedness
Drew my outlines
On this familiar sketchpad

And calm was found
Even in high waters

715

Dried out

A dried out day
Left me all dried up
From dryer and drying woes.

Maybe tomorrow will bring a little softness and warmth?

714

Grandparents

A new addition
Makes for a new wave of
Grandparenting
Of cuddles
And diapers
And tears
And sleepless nights
Of walks
And conversations
And through it all
Doing it just right

713

Naps

As all cats know well
The glory that lies in naps
Was all mine today

712

The Wisdom in Love

When your day is filled
With kindness, self-care, loved ones
And banana splits,
It is a kind one
There is joy in such a day
And there is warmth
Because it is a day filled with love
The kind of love
Built on compassion,
Care,
And community
The kind of love
That breaths
Wisdom

711

The Two Sisters

This may seem like just another ordinary
Tale told, just any story
But don't be fooled so easily
This isn't just any
Old story about two
Very special sisters,
Sure seems like it's about
Me and you
Not quite though
As special as we may be
This story is not about
You and me
But about another sweet trusty pair
Made of two similarly designed
Three and three
To make a complete thirty-three
The beauty of this palindrome
Tailored from three tens
And three ones
Tells the story of not one or two
But decades in the threes
Not an easy feat
To be a lovely thirty-three
With grace, poise, and wisdom
That you embody so perfectly
This shapely number
Born from multiplying experiences and primes
Is not divided easily
But its reversible beauty might
Trick you from left to right
Or maybe it's just a reminder
That 33 needs to be playful
And filled with love and light
So as you begin this new and exciting journey
To new and exciting places
Don't forget to celebrate
Each moment as it is, unfiltered
Happy birthday
My most special sister

710

With Compassion and Love

My Dear Tomorrow,

I know
I understand
It makes sense theoretically
But I feel unsteady
In my knowledge
In my understanding
Of the theory
On how to bring compassion and love
To a part of my heart that doesn't feel it
Is there more value in teaching you
Love and compassion
Or that some people are not worthy of yours
I worry,
That I will give you some of my own fears
And you will inherit my own weights
Of not being able to forgive
But then, I need to trust
Trust you
Trust those who I have not forgiven
And trust myself
To lead
With compassion and love

I love you,
Suparna

709

Nazariya

My dear sweet Tomorrow,

I've seen the world
Through many lenses,
Many perspectives.
Mine, and beyond.

I've spoken different truths
Depending on my perspective
My vantage point
From where I see the world,
From where I sit,
How the world looks.

I can't wait to see it from yours.
I know you'll have a lot to teach me.
And I'm ready to learn.
From you,
From your nazariya.

I love you,
Mommy

708

I've got you, baby

Even on days like this
I know I'm not alone
Just knowing you're here with me
And I, with you,
Makes a big difference

I cried
I fretted
I worried
I laughed loudly
I tried to rest
I cared for us

And through it all,
You
Were here with me

I know bringing you in this world
Means you'll need me
And I, you
And that's okay with me
It brings me such joy to share
I've got you, baby

707

Our Bodies - Vessels

This vessel
Like a carrier
Wears thin
With time
Just like a vessel
It needs to be
Tended to
Cared for
Just like a vessel
It needs love
Attention
Diligent care
So it doesn't end up
Forgotten in a box full of
Forgottens

706

Rest

When life demands
That you slow down
The world pushes every bone in you
To rest.

705

Letters to Tomorrow ~ I see you

My Dear Sweet Tomorrow,

The last (almost) 5 months have been so full. As I write this, I feel so full with you. I feel whole and still, I can't wait to meet you.

With all my love,

Suparna

704

Times gone by

Summer vacations
Dusshera breaks

Doe, a deer
And ber after ber

Giggling with grandparents
Crossing big roads

Fighting sleep
To get a little more time
Before our next goodbye

Best friend
Oldest comrade

On a new adventure
With new parts of your whole

Many places
Have seen our times gone by

Ahmedabad
Delhi
Bangalore
Bombay
Berkeley

Many more to come
As newness awaits

So much love
Wish I could send

Here I sit though
With love and happiness
For you

703

Wish we were there

So far away
Yet in an attempt to bridge
Such vast distances
We try
All these years
And all these memories
Yet as you make new ones
I wish we were there
To be a part of them

702

This too shall pass

As in all that was
Yesterday
Today, too
Shall become tomorrow
Only to become the past
Again

701

Numbers

30 years ago
31-1-1987
3:13am
Here I am
1-31-2017
22.5 weeks in
There you are
Beating at 154 bpm
All of you
Is in all of me
Every step you take
A milestone away from me
What numbers will be a part
Of your journey
5 days of celebration
To commemorate 10,950
And then some

700

So much love

Dear Little One,

So much love
Was sent your way today
By all who inspire
In every way

I hope all this love
Made it all the way
To you and your little self
Today and each day

I love you,
Suparna

699

A little up, a little down

This world is too confusing for me to wrap my heart around. I want to make sense of it. Want to feel less divided, less alienated, less disgusted, less powerless. But it's tricky. Feeling less of those feelings is on me, but it would mean turning away from and not knowing what's happening. I don't know how to not have a vicseral pained response to how the world is changing. I don't know how to guard and fight and move on all the once. I don't know if I have it in me. I don't know if knowing others, many many others are hurting too, is easier for me. The self is what becomes a part of the collective. But what does one do when the self is feeling defeated?

698

My cup is overflowing

How do you measure
A day filled with
This much love?

Should I extend my arms
As far as they will reach?

Should I stand on my tippy toes
And aim for the stars with the tips of my fingers?

So much love for all my loves
And my heart is beaming

697

61

Here you are
On the brink of a brand new old adventure
What will it be this year?
Different than the last?
I hope for that
And many more to come your way

696

Done, done, done

Somehow it's all done!
I'm getting better
Each day
Knowing how much
Knowing me
Knowing when to say
I can
No way
And learning to know me
My limits
My lines of being
Beyond which
I know I will collapse
It's hard though
Even though I've fallen
Too many times to count

Slowly though,
I'm learning

695

Knowing

How to know what I will be
Who, where, or when will I be
Down the road

I do know I'm going to love you
And probably not
Want to let go off you

694

Wisdom

I know you're not fully out of your confines
So there's some question
If you're really that wise
Or just some late blooming teeth?

693

Sigh

Sit down
Breathe out
This relief
Will leave you whole
Let it
It's beautiful
And I like the way
It holds me

692

The pleasure of beets

Dal, chawal, sabji
Quinoa with beet greens
Roasted beets and cauliflower
The most delicious?
Doing it with you by my side
Creating memories side-by-side with flavor

691

Please be okay too

So much unknown
Rests silently in between
Momentary certainties
That's all it really is about
Those momentary certainties
The lessons they leave us with
To cope with lurking unknowns

690

Please be okay

So much to be grateful for
Yet life is such a fragile mess
Just as the delicate wings
Of the moth know
They're moments away from
Becoming dust
Such is the sense of knowing
And becoming
That we must all come to terms with

689

Breather

A little sigh
Here and there
To relieve us
Of the weight we carry
That no one,
But we, ourselves out on
Our fragile shoulders

688

Heads

Yes, it's a part of life
Yes, I understand
No, I'm not okay with it
I don't know if I
Will ever be

687

Done!

That feeling of making it
All the way to the top
Leaves me with
The promise of a good night's sleep

686

Holding On

If I could
I would
Keep you
Forever and
Always here
Right here
But life's
Not so

685

Dangal

Why fight
When you can take a walk through
A mall
And hold hands till
The sun sets

684

Luxuries

The solitude of timelessness
When caught off guard
Is different
Spirited
As moments melt into hours
And your arm into mine
Each breath is a gift

683

Sahra ho, dariya ho

Dear Sweet Tomorrow,

You are filling me up
And I love it
I love that we share
Wonder
Dreams
Sleep (though sometimes you're not too happy with when I'm ready to sleep!)
Blood
And space
I'm so honored to know you
As grow together

I love you,
Suparna

682

Pumpkin

You moved
I saw
And most importantly
I felt

I sometimes try to wrap
My head around the thought
That you're already
A person

You
All of you
Is inside
Me

681

Kind strong loving

You are going to be
Kind-hearted
Strong
Magnanimous
Loving
Caring
Not afraid to be
You

And I can't wait to meet you.

680

Out of a cycle?

Am I just pedaling
Backwards
To make up for someone
Else's lack of courage
To move ahead?

679

These are a few of my favorite days

When the sounds of rain
Lull you out of broken
Tired sleep
And kind people
Give you flexibility
And you're surrounded
By all you love
As you trudge
Through what's necessary
These are my favorite days

678

10:58am

We saw you
In there
Moving about

He got to see you too

And it's really something else

Knowing you are in there
Moving
Being
Changing
Getting ready

As we
Do the same

677

Waqt

Fearless
In its movements

Unapologetic
Why would it be to answer to anyone?

Ephemeral
Yet ageless in its existence

Present
Yet wholly birthed from the past

Charging
Towards tomorrow

676

Ek Aaghosh

Just one
Is all it takes
In that moment
Time freezes
And I squeeze my eyes shut
As tightly as I wish I could
Squeeze you
And hold on to each
Inch of you

But then we wouldn't be us
And fleeting moments
Would become norm

Would that be so bad though?

675

7 years

Dear Danny,

I wish I could capture
All of what I feel
In a few pithy lines.
Or show you
With a gesture or two
Just what it is you
Mean to me.

But that would leave me
With so many empty spaces
To let you know
Just how much you still
Rock my entire world
Off its axis
And still spin me
In all the right directions

7 years since that sunny day
And you are still
My only one

Who nobody changes

To 7 more,
Tumharee

674

Dear Head

Dear Head,

Will you try to hear me out? I'm trying. I'm doing everything I can and know to care for you. What else can I do?

Suparna

673

You're braver than you know

Dear Tomorrow,

One day, we'll talk about tough decisions, being honest, and finding courage to be true to yourself. On that day, I'll tell you about today. I was honest and it was hard. But you, Tomorrow, are my priority.

Lovingly,
Suparna

672

Back Home

When your new home
Begins to feel like home
It's a good feeling

Like one of being home.

When your view of your city
From up above,
Makes you feel grounded,
That's a good feeling.

671

2017, The year of...

If I were on Jupiter,
My year would feel different
365 would be just another set
Of three digits

But,
I am of this Earth
That means I get to begin
A brand new beginning

This year will bring
Many news
Renew olds
And will go on regardless of me

Whatever it may be
I reserve the right to
Hope
And wish for this year

670

Another End

Here we go again
Another arbitrary cycle of time
Wound to an end
Such a year...

Of transience,
Change,
Hope,
Fear,
Falling down,
Staying down,
Slowly rising,
Westward bound,
Disappointments,
Injuries,
New lives,
New dreams,
New places,
New beginnings

669