Monday, April 30, 2018

What Are You?

Swimming
Squirming
Where are you headed?
Where did you come from?
Wherever and whatever it and you may be
I hope you are almost done here

946

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Done

Who knows if I'm at the halfway mark
Or nearly there
Or maybe this is just the beginning
Either way
I feel done

945

Saturday, April 28, 2018

How About That

If I told you a different story
Would you believe me any lesser?
I want you to know
That I'm not my lies
Even though most of me is untruthful

944

Friday, April 27, 2018

Bad

Every once in a while
I feel like shit
Not just bad
But a bad person
A bad mother
A bad sister
A bad partner
A bad daughter
On those days
It's good to be reminded
Of all the good

943

Thursday, April 26, 2018

Cuts

There will be many
But there's something so
Precious
So endearing
So special about
Just having had a few
Something to be grateful for
Anything to count on
To show us
That we can do this

942

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Day 1

When we look back at this day
I hope it is with love and gratitude
And some astonishment
At just how strong and resilient we are
And how far we've come
And how far we would've gone

941

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Newness

Dear Manzil,

Welcome to your new home. Today is the first night you're sleeping away from me. My heart is sad. I'm missing you. There's so much that's new here. Your bath. Where you eat. What you see and hear when you're outside. Where you are sleeping. We will make it all home... Our home. For tonight, however, soak in the newness.

Welcome home,
Mamma

940

Monday, April 23, 2018

Answers

You have so many questions
In response to mine
And all I really want
Are answers to my answers
Can you take me deeper?

939

Sunday, April 22, 2018

C'mon Already

All we need is a break
From this non-stop nightmare
Not knowing
Not healing
Not changing
Feeling cheated by a little hope
That's not going a long way
C'mon already
All we need is a little break

938

Saturday, April 21, 2018

Tabula Rasa

Let's start over
Leave the past behind
Look no further
Than this moment in time
There's much to be buried
Or to set free
Feelings and skeletons
Wandering quietly
Letting them go
Is all there's left to do
Have to move forward
I'm ready, are you?

937

Friday, April 20, 2018

The Fear of Apologizing

It must be so scary
To say, I'm sorry
Because that would mean
Admission
Acceptance
Which only come after
Denial
Anger
Grievance
But it seems you're stuck at denial
I know, only because
I never made it past anger

936

Thursday, April 19, 2018

It Happened

A good day went by
And I didn't notice how good it was then
So when today began
Though it really wasn't great
I felt better
Than yesterday
Because at least it happened

935

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Better

Could it be
Even if there's no hope
That there's a flutter
Of light?

934

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Lived Cliche

This is all we've got
Life is short
Who knows if tomorrow never comes
Tomorrow is promise with no guarantee to be kept
You only live once
Make the best of now
Breathe
Be present, that's all we've got

What if all of these didn't matter?
And loss didn't exist?

933

Monday, April 16, 2018

Fight On

You can do this
I know you can
We can
We've battled and won in the past
Why would this be different?
We've also lost
But only to stand up
Ready to fight again
We can do this
I know we can

932

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Of Course

It's far easier to watch
In slow motion
A replay of the last ten seconds of the race you lost
Than to know the exact moment your body was taking a hit, while running
This race, was not against time or other opponents
It was against me
My brain, my anxiety
My body lost

931

Saturday, April 14, 2018

Discovery

That little dopamine dose
Paled in comparison to the relief
That tagged along
When these puzzle pieces fit
There's little worse than not knowing
When, how, or why
This is what it is.

930

Friday, April 13, 2018

Not Again

My heart is currently in my right palm
My throat in my stomach
My head is a million miles away
In the hellish corner where hope goes to die
And then I remember,
That I am here
And that much
I am in complete control of

929

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Big Days

How do you prepare yourself for a big day?
Your body? Your mind? Your heart?
Big days usually come in to categories:
Big days you work for, slowly, steadily
With Herculean effort and coordination
And tons of communication

There are big days that surprise you
Change you, but you don't see it till they're done

At least today, I saw coming.

928

So Fast

We tell ourselves
Everyday
To live life to the fullest
That tomorrow may never come
To live in now
And today alone
The thing is though,
We're tomorrow people
Planners, dreamers, wishers, hopers
We imagine and create that which hasn't ever been
That which doesn't yet know
What today is
I find that a little confusing
And stifling
But maybe I'll deal with that feeling now
Rather than tomorrow

927

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Of Color

Dear Manzil,

You are a perfect blend of your Mamma and Daddy. You are a tomorrow person, my little cafe au lait. As an immigrant woman of color, I think any storytelling space needs to be won with a fight. This is because the storytelling spaces that currently exist, and the storytellers whose voices we hear, are white male. And by voice, I mean perspectives, cultural attitudes, and I experiences, but I also literally mean voice. I have yet to find a podcast created by immigrant women of color in mainstream United States, which features storytellers with accents from around the world. I think there is no more critical time in our existence as humans, to give a space for women of color to tell our stories, and shift the edge of these heteronormative white male walls out a bit more with every story.

I love you,
Mamma

926

Monday, April 9, 2018

Triumph

What does your victory look like?
Mine is a full night's rest after a day like today
Does yours include accolade?
Or perhaps a side of chocolate cake?
Mine is knowing that those I love are safe.

925

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Stay

What's there behind that veil
The curtain you draw
The walls you put up?

Does every surface become a mirror
When you're too afraid to see yourself?
Does your reflection find some way of creeping into your eyes?

Do you find yourself watching
Even with your eyes tightly glued
Knowing there is no light left in or out of you?

Where do you turn
When your feet are nailed down
And there's no other place to be
But here?

924

Saturday, April 7, 2018

The Secret Lives of Families

Dear Manzil,

Many times in life, you will be faced with the choice to be honest or not. Honesty can certainly live in a grey world, but really it's pretty straightforward and simple: a truth is a truth. And well, everything else is not. Families can be focal points of lies. We lie for lots of reasons. Most of the time we think we're doing the right thing by lying. Sometimes keeping secrets and choosing to not tell the truth, is a lie. We lie to ourselves because we are scared of what the truth might mean. The truth can often hurt, but if we trust and love the people who are telling us the truth, then we have to trust that they're looking out for us the best way they can. You will have many choices and chances to be truthful, and you will also decide not to be. I hope you will know why and work to set yourself freer with the knowledge of your honesty.

I truly love you,
Mamma

923

Friday, April 6, 2018

Dus

Turning 10 months is no joke
Even though it's a whole lot of fun
Especially with our little bloke
Who's got smiles for every situation

This big little guy has been
Busy on the move, with places to go
He's been practicing his standing,
Getting ready to walk, keeping us on every toe

A few more teeth are attempting
To make their way out on top
All things, edible or not, are very tempting
And meal times now need a reliable mop

He giggles at Velcro
Loves his Mamma's keys
He swings like a pro
Drums on Daddy with ease

Bath times are getting exciting
With reflections inciting laughter
The bath meant, of course for splashing
Or sometimes to catch the water

Patient, independent, curious as ever
He's always ready to go
Thankful for a good night sleeper
Because day naps are impacted by FOMO

You are changing tons and tons
From your size, your sounds, to your food
Not a day has gone by in the last ten months
That we're not filled with gratitude

922

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Custody

In the divorce
He got her dignity
She got god
Piece by piece she put her life together
Piece by piece he took it apart
Two signatures on a paper
Couldn't give her the keys
When he had the lock
She tried to rebuild
But he had all the blocks
Though his bricks were made of hate
He still knew how to make a prison
With nothing more than his thoughts

I waited patiently for his misery to consume him
But it always found the best company
He surrounded himself with crutches
Even with both his legs on him
Enabled as he may be
Inside he was crippling to nothing
That's when he rose with anger
To fill his shell with more carcasses

A day will come
When it will slowly end
He will be empty in and out
Nothing more than a shell
On that day, she
Will be full and complete
There was nothing he could take
From a carcass with no meat

921

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Do your best

For consideration
Is something of essence
Was it your best?
Could it have been different?
Some days it'll be a yes
On others a resounding no
Either way keep asking
So you'll get to get to grow

920

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Stronger

There are other ways of making us stronger
Than beating us down
By holding us down
Chaining our control
Using your past
To decide our future
But you chose that
And we chose to rise
Stronger

919

Monday, April 2, 2018

Obviously

Even when it's completely obvious
It seems so unattainable
I could spend my entire existence
Convincing them
That it is so obvious

918

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Chances are

It's likely I'll screw up
It's likely someone will hurt
It's certain we will experience sadness
I am working so hard though
To focus on all that's good and whole
Because that's certain too
Even if completely hidden
Like eggs never to be found

917